When embarking on the journey of parenthood, expectant parents are often warned about postpartum depression, which impacts approximately 15% of new mothers. They discuss the baby blues, with the American Pregnancy Association noting that 70-80% of mothers experience some form of negative emotions or mood fluctuations after childbirth. There’s growing awareness around postpartum anxiety, affecting around 10% of new moms. We know we’ll feel exhausted and overwhelmed, and we listen attentively as the advice flows.
However, what remains unexplained is the intense rage that can surface during this journey.
Perhaps you felt it early on. Your baby was well-fed, freshly changed, and cozy, yet the incessant crying continued, igniting an internal storm. You cradled them close, and in that moment, you could almost comprehend how someone might lose control. Fear and shame washed over you, knowing your precious child wasn’t to blame for your frustration. You would never harm them, not in a million years.
Or maybe you managed to navigate the infant stage without incident, only for the fury to strike during the toddler years. When your child threw a fit over a trivial toy or made a ridiculous noise, something inside you snapped. The rage erupted, spilling from your lips before you even recognized it. You might stomp your feet or yell, mimicking the behavior you swore you’d never replicate from your own upbringing. And then, the familiar shame envelops you. You long to retreat into yourself, despising this unfamiliar aspect of your personality. After all, you never considered yourself an angry person.
Before kids, I was not prone to anger—aside from occasionally raising my voice at the dogs for snatching food off my plate. Sure, I experienced annoyance, but never did I feel the seething rage that emerged post-children. A simple request from my son for more glow sticks at Target or his refusal to wear the clothes I selected felt like a direct challenge, igniting an unreasonable fire within me.
Maybe you’re one of the fortunate ones who learned to manage these feelings. My partner, for instance, can endure the slow build-up of frustration, still managing to communicate with a calm, albeit terse, tone. Or perhaps you are more like me, and before you realize it, you’re shouting, watching as your children’s expressions shift from confusion to fear. Then the shame returns, reminding you of the promise you made to protect and love them unconditionally. If someone else yelled at them, you’d transform into a fierce protector, yet here you are, the one causing the hurt.
The weight of this shame can be suffocating. You might have grown up in a household where yelling was commonplace, vowing that you’d do better when you had your own children. You placed your hands on your expanding belly, swearing you’d shield your baby from the rage you once witnessed in your parents. Now, that same rage has manifested within you, and it feels like a personal failure. You may apologize to your kids, but those words can never truly erase the hurt.
You resolve to never raise your voice again, perhaps sharing this commitment with your children as they look up at you with wide eyes. “I will do my best not to yell,” you assure them, but deep down, you know the next wave of rage may be just around the corner.
I yearn for endless patience, the soothing demeanor of a preschool teacher, capable of diffusing conflicts with gentle kindness. Occasionally, I manage this, but inevitably, something triggers my anger, and I snap. I wish I could embrace my emotions without shame. I know people who have mastered their rage, and I aspire to emulate their calmness.
No one prepares us for the rage that can accompany parenting, nor do they tell us about the extraordinary patience we must cultivate. We’re all learning as we go, and truthfully, it’s one of the most challenging undertakings I’ve ever faced. Yet, I’ll keep showing up and giving it my best shot. And you will too.
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Summary
Parenting can bring about unexpected emotions, including rage, which is seldom discussed. New parents often receive warnings about postpartum challenges but rarely address the overwhelming anger that can surface. This article explores the shame and frustration associated with parental rage, acknowledging the struggle for patience and control in the face of everyday challenges.