Parenting
Updated: Dec. 23, 2019
Originally Published: Nov. 23, 2017
Caution: Tickling may not be as innocent as it seems.
I was chatting with my friend Sarah when I heard her 9-month-old daughter, Mia, shrieking in delight in the background. “Is Mia okay?” I asked, concerned. “Oh, she’s not crying. She’s laughing!” Sarah reassured me. “Tom’s playing Tickle Monster with her.”
My heart raced. “Are you sure she enjoys it?” I inquired hesitantly.
“Absolutely! Why do you ask?” she replied, her tone hinting at skepticism.
“Well,” I hesitated, “just because a baby is laughing doesn’t necessarily mean they’re loving it…”
“Really? Trust me, she loves being tickled,” Sarah said, ending the conversation abruptly.
I regretted bringing it up, but I felt compelled to speak out. It’s crucial to recognize that tickling can be distressing for children. Like many parents, Sarah and Tom took Mia’s giggles at face value. This is the inherent issue with tickling. The laughter it provokes can mimic genuine joy, but it may also mask discomfort or fear.
In a New York Times article, evolutionary biologist Richard Alexander explains, “Ticklish laughter is not the happy phenomenon that many have assumed it to be. A child can be transformed from laughter into tears by going the tiniest bit too far. [Tickling] does not create a pleasurable feeling — just the outward appearance of one.”
Historically, tickling has been used for torture. During the Han Dynasty in China, tickle torture was inflicted on nobility for its ability to cause pain without leaving any marks. In Ancient Rome, offenders faced similar fates, often tied up and subjected to goat tongues on their feet. More recently, I came across a chilling story of a Nazi using tickling as a form of torture.
Unfortunately, we’ve convinced ourselves that tickling is harmless. However, many individuals have shared their traumatic experiences:
- “I hated being tickled as a child, and I still do. It feels suffocating.”
- “My mom would tickle me even when I said stop. I felt powerless.”
- “I enjoyed tickling to a point, but often my requests to stop were ignored, leading to panic attacks.”
- “When I was 13, I finally broke my dad’s finger while struggling to get him to stop tickling me.”
Do parents dismiss their children’s requests to stop because they genuinely misunderstand the situation, or do they choose to ignore the signs? It seems we often utilize tickling as a way to shift our kids’ moods or to seek validation from them.
I recall a time when my daughter was engrossed in coloring with her friends. A dad entered the room and, without warning, started tickling his daughter. She grimaced, clearly annoyed, but he persisted, believing it was all in good fun. “Stop it!” she groaned, but he brushed off her discomfort, insisting she should relax.
Such moments highlight a crucial point: respecting children’s boundaries is essential. As psychotherapist Tracy Lamperti notes, tickling can be a gateway for grooming by predators, especially when trust is built through playful interactions.
Every time we honor a child’s “No” or “Stop!” — whether verbally or through body language — we empower them to assert their boundaries. This is vital for their future relationships. As psychologist Alice Miller said, “If children have been taught to have their world respected, they will more easily recognize disrespect and stand against it.”
So, does this mean we should never tickle our kids? Not necessarily! Many children genuinely enjoy it. Here are some guidelines for tickling responsibly:
- Avoid tickling children who are too young to communicate. Better safe than sorry.
- Always ask for permission before tickling. It may take away the surprise, but it can still be playful.
- Establish a signal for “Stop” in case they’re laughing too hard to speak.
For more insights into parenting techniques, check out this article on Modern Family Blog, which delves deeper into effective communication with children. If you’re looking for additional resources about parenting and pregnancy, consider visiting Healthline, an excellent guide for those exploring family planning options.
In summary, while tickling can be a playful interaction, it’s crucial to prioritize the emotional and physical comfort of children, ensuring that their boundaries are respected.