Parenting
As my children and I arrive at a friend’s home, we are warmly welcomed. I cheerfully say, “Hello!” and my teenage and preteen daughters echo with “Hi!” and “Good morning!” Meanwhile, our 7-year-old son walks in silently behind me, not uttering a word.
My friend greets him by name and inquires about his well-being. He removes his shoes and then asks me a completely unrelated question, completely overlooking the friendly greeting. “She said ‘hello’ to you, buddy,” I remind him gently, hoping to prompt a response. He mutters a quick “Hi” without making eye contact before darting off into the house.
I can already sense the judgment. “Why is that child so impolite?” people might wonder. However, the issue isn’t that we haven’t taught him good manners; we have. The reality is that all my children have experienced intense shyness in their early years. Sadly, this shyness often comes off as rudeness, especially to those who have never dealt with similar feelings.
I understand the perspective of others because I am not shy as an adult. Yet, I can empathize with my son’s experience, as I too was painfully shy as a child. If you’ve never been that way, it’s hard to grasp how it feels. Imagine being thrust onto a stage in front of a massive audience, unprepared and expected to deliver a speech. The fear and discomfort that accompany such situations are similar to what my son feels when someone addresses him directly.
Shy children often experience rapid heartbeats, flushed cheeks, and a complete inability to articulate their thoughts. They learn to mask their discomfort, but this only exacerbates the perception of rudeness. They might manage a faint “hi” that requires immense effort, or they may wave awkwardly, only to get flustered by eye contact. Often, they retreat into their own world, giggling nervously, hiding behind a parent’s leg, or wandering off to avoid conversations.
I realize this may sound dramatic. After all, conversing is a fundamental human activity—how tough can it be? But for shy children, even the simplest social interactions can feel monumental. They might be hyper-aware of their environment, needing time to adjust before engaging. It’s a complex internal struggle.
I’m unsure what causes this shyness—perhaps it’s a mild form of social anxiety or a heightened sensitivity to social settings. I know that I experienced it and eventually overcame it, finding my voice through practice and gentle encouragement. By my tween years, I realized that being shy was far more uncomfortable than simply engaging with others.
My daughters have mostly outgrown their extreme shyness, and I have faith that our son will too, in due time. One of the most valuable lessons my parents taught me was to embrace my shyness without shame. Consequently, I strive to offer the same understanding to my children. We emphasize the importance of responding when spoken to, but we also exercise compassion when they struggle. We practice making eye contact and adopting confident body language, as shy kids often tend to look down and withdraw. Role-play scenarios help us prepare for real-life interactions.
Our children feel a sense of pride when they can introduce themselves confidently. But progress isn’t linear; some days are more challenging than others. Overcoming shyness is a significant hurdle that requires time and patience.
If you encounter a shy child, one of the best ways to support them—whether you understand their feelings or not—is to avoid putting them on the spot. A simple smile or a friendly “It’s great to see you!” can go a long way without overwhelming them. Recognizing that their lack of engagement is not personal is crucial.
Most importantly, please don’t label them as impolite. This would have deeply affected me when I was a shy child who desperately wanted to please others. Understanding the tremendous effort it takes for some kids just to muster the courage to make eye contact or say “hi” can shift your perspective. They’re not being rude; they’re simply shy.
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In summary, shyness is often misinterpreted as rudeness. By fostering understanding and patience, we can help shy children navigate social situations with confidence while respecting their feelings.