“Do you believe you would discuss racism as much if I were white?” My son posed this question during our morning commute last week, catching me off guard.
For a brief moment, I was silent, then I realized he was seeking a genuine response. “Honestly, no,” I replied. “As much as I wish I could say otherwise, I don’t think that would be the case. While I would still care, being your mother has profoundly altered how I perceive the world. I wouldn’t be the same person.”
This conversation has lingered in my mind. Over the past seven and a half years, I’ve devoted considerable thought to who I need to become to raise a happy, safe, strong, proud, and confident Black son. I never took the time to ponder who I would be if my child were white.
I witness court decisions, consume news reports, and hear about tragic incidents, each time picturing my son’s face. People express prejudiced opinions, stare inappropriately, and act in ways that are overtly biased. When I enter a room, I instinctively look for faces of color and feel uneasy if the crowd is predominantly white. I evaluate schools, vacations, camps, sports, and even our home choices through the lens of diversity. All of this would be irrelevant if my son were white.
Yet, amid these challenges, gratitude fills me. I’ve been afforded the opportunity to recognize and confront my privilege. This unique perspective as a white woman has made me more empathetic, more willing to listen, and more determined to create change. Change that starts with myself. None of this insight would have been possible if my son were white.
However, this awareness also brings forth anger—an intolerance for bigotry, impatience with those who refuse to evolve. It fuels my frustration with the current state of affairs and the sluggish progress we see. There’s an ever-present fear that never diminishes. I know that if my son were white, I wouldn’t feel these emotions as intensely.
So who would I be? As I envision this alternate reality, I realize it’s inconsequential. I am exactly who I need to be: a mother of a Black son who is unafraid to engage in conversations about race and racism.
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In summation, the journey of raising a Black son as a white mother has transformed my perspective on race and privilege, compelling me to engage in important dialogues and advocate for change.