I’m Exhausted by the Phrase ‘Just Ask Your Mom’

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I’m Exhausted by the Phrase ‘Just Ask Your Mom’

by Sarah Johnson
November 11, 2023

This morning, as I was rushing to leave the house, my 3-year-old snatched a tangerine from the table and took it to my husband. While I was busy packing my bag, ready to bid farewell and head out the door, I overheard my husband say, “Just ask your mom.” If I had been in the kitchen, his response might’ve made sense, but I was far from there, dressed and preparing for a day at work.

“Just ask your mom.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a man say that throughout my life, I could probably buy a private island and call it “I DON’T CARE.” Growing up, I can’t recall a single instance where my dad made a decision without referring to my mom. If she wasn’t home, I’d have to call her. And if she was unavailable and it wasn’t urgent, I’d have to wait until she got back. In those rare “urgent” moments, like when I would ask, “Dad, can I ride my bike to see my friends?” he would cautiously allow it but always with the caveat: “Check with your mom when you can.”

My mom was the one who orchestrated everything in our household. She handled all the appointments—doctor’s, dentist’s, and even haircuts. She managed our schedules, ensuring I made it to volleyball games, band concerts, and school events. She took care of the household chores, meal planning, and even stocked our cabinets with healthy foods. And on top of all that, she held a full-time job.

If she felt the same frustration I do when I hear my husband tell our kids to ask me instead, she certainly never showed it. She made it all look effortless, as so many mothers do. But I’m not one of those supermoms.

Why do dads resort to the “just ask your mom” routine?

What drives this behavior? Are they genuinely oblivious, or is there something more? Should we be honored or offended? Is this a learned behavior from their upbringing? I’ve contemplated a few theories:

  1. Your Time Is More Valuable Than Mine.
    Let’s revisit the tangerine scenario. I was hurrying to get to work while my husband was scrambling to get ready after oversleeping. Perhaps he didn’t think twice about his response; he was simply reacting. I understand he was pressed for time and couldn’t engage in a conversation about fruit peeling, but did that mean I had all the time in the world? Clearly, my commitment to being on time didn’t matter in that moment.
  2. I’ve Enabled Your Dependence.
    “Is anyone home?!” Are you following a flowchart that always leads to “Just ask your mom”? Have I really taken such control over our home that you’ve completely stopped thinking for yourself when our kids ask you anything? It’s as if you’re conditioned to hit that default response. Come on! You don’t need a special license for this; you can step in anytime.
  3. Am I a Frightening Monster?
    Sometimes, after hearing my husband tell the kids to “just ask mom” multiple times in one hour, I wonder if I’m a terrifying figure that only he can perceive. If I were a creature to be feared, I’d certainly want to stay under the radar too. Toddlers are already experts at demanding attention; perhaps they’re simply wary of me!
  4. Are You Trying to Empower Me?
    When I mentioned this to a friend, she suggested, “To be fair, it suggests you really do hold all the power.” To me, it feels like I carry all the responsibility at home. Power isn’t about deciding what the kids eat or whether they can go out without a coat; that’s just responsibility. One might think that putting one person in charge of nearly everything is empowering, but I’d argue that it simply translates to added stress. I appreciate the thought, but can we change this dynamic?

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In summary, I’m left grappling with the implications of that simple phrase. It’s a reflection of deeper dynamics in our household and perhaps in many others. It’s high time we address the unbalanced distribution of parenting responsibilities and strive for a more equitable approach.