It surfaces in small moments: when my pre-teen lashes out because her favorite shirt is nowhere to be found, or when my partner storms in after a long, taxing day, silent but visibly upset. It creeps in during phone calls with my father when he reminds me I haven’t been reaching out enough. Even during seemingly positive encounters, like a colleague praising my efforts or a friend complimenting me, I find myself at a loss.
I often feel numb.
In these moments, I struggle to respond, unsure of what’s expected from me. My emotions flicker just beyond my grasp, only to vanish before I can fully recognize them. It’s akin to erasing the words on a whiteboard before I have a chance to read them.
When faced with negative interactions, this numbness may twist into anger or shame, compelling me to defend myself against a perceived rejection that stings sharply. I analyze my actions, searching for missteps. If I fail to identify anything concrete, I spiral into the belief that there’s something fundamentally flawed about me, something that renders me unlovable, prompting me to retreat further within myself.
Conversely, when receiving kind words, discomfort washes over me. I can’t fathom why anyone would view me as special or admirable. It feels fraudulent, igniting fears that others will uncover my inadequacies. I become anxious, feeling the urge to prove that I am worthy of their praise.
For years, I concealed my overwhelm and unease, unaware of why emotional exchanges left me with buzzing ears, a hollow stomach, and an empty heart. Forming connections—even with those I deeply care for—has been a daunting challenge.
It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the term “childhood emotional neglect” (CEN) while researching for an article that the pieces began to fall into place. Defined by clinical psychologist Jonice Webb, CEN describes a parent’s failure to sufficiently respond to their child’s emotional needs. When this occurs, children struggle to validate their feelings, leading to self-doubt and a negative self-perception.
When emotions are dismissed, they become “bad” within a child’s understanding, as they grow up in an environment where they are overlooked or ignored. If you’ve never heard of childhood emotional neglect, you’re not alone. In a recent interview with New England Psychologist, Webb highlighted that emotional neglect is often overshadowed by discussions of emotional abuse or physical neglect, making it difficult for this issue to receive the attention it deserves.
CEN is particularly insidious because it lacks visible signs. Unlike a child’s visible injuries or obvious hunger, emotional neglect is often invisible, making it hard for children to recognize they’re experiencing it. As adults, we may struggle to remember specific instances of neglect, as it often becomes a normalized aspect of our upbringing. The symptoms of childhood emotional neglect can manifest many years later, often remaining unnoticed until they become overwhelming.
As I reviewed the symptoms of CEN, I found many resonated with my experiences. Individuals affected by CEN often feel emotionally numb, sense an absence in their lives, and may be perfectionists, easily overwhelmed, and highly sensitive to rejection. Out of the 22 symptoms listed in the questionnaire, I identified with all but two.
Despite this realization, I grappled with the idea that I had been emotionally abandoned by my parents. Growing up, I had everything I could wish for: nice homes, ample nutritious food, and regular family vacations. I attended good schools, played sports, and enjoyed friendships. From the outside, my family appeared successful and content.
However, the reality was more complex. My father frequently traveled for work, often returning home fatigued and strict. I strived to be the “good daughter,” excelling in school, caring for my younger sibling, and keeping to myself. My mother, a stay-at-home mom for most of my childhood, battled her own unhappiness and was eventually diagnosed with depression. On some days, she remained in bed, and no one would inquire about my school day or my feelings regarding friends or teachers. When visiting friends, I found it odd when their mothers would ask about our day, perceiving it as intrusive.
The dynamics in my family reflect two of the parenting styles linked to emotional neglect: authoritarian and absent. Other styles, such as permissive, narcissistic, and perfectionist, also contribute to these experiences.
Upon absorbing the details of childhood emotional neglect, it became clear that I had faced this issue throughout my upbringing. The revelation was heartbreaking; no child wants to acknowledge that their parents, however unintentionally, caused them pain. Yet, it also brought relief, offering an explanation for the emptiness I had felt for so long. The good news is that those who have experienced CEN can rebuild their sense of self-worth. Recognizing one’s emotional needs and affirming that they deserve to be met is crucial.
Gaining insight into my emotional struggles fills me with hope—not just for my own healing, but for my children as well. Understanding what I lacked in my own childhood makes me acutely aware of the emotional support I must provide to my kids. While it’s not an easy task—my children’s emotions can be intense—I remind myself to stay present amidst their turmoil. They deserve empathy and love, and despite my own feelings of being overwhelmed, I strive to validate their emotions.
This might seem straightforward, and for many parents, it may come naturally. For me, however, it’s a challenge—a challenge I willingly embrace to ensure my children never question their self-worth.
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Summary:
Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is an often-overlooked condition resulting from a parent’s failure to meet a child’s emotional needs. This invisible form of neglect can lead to feelings of numbness, self-doubt, and perfectionism. Understanding CEN can provide a pathway to healing, enabling individuals to recognize and validate their emotional needs, ultimately breaking the cycle for future generations.