There’s a question that I dread more than any other: “What do you do for a living?” My stomach sinks every time I sense it coming, and no matter how much I try to sidestep it, there’s no escaping this inquiry.
For the past two and a half years, my answer has been, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” Each time, I’m met with enthusiastic praise, as if I’ve made a noble sacrifice. But I don’t see myself as a hero; in fact, I often feel guilt and heartache instead. While I recognize that these well-meaning strangers are trying to be supportive, their compliments only mask the complex emotions brewing beneath the surface. I put on a brave face and nod, replying with, “Yes, I’m quite lucky indeed.”
What they don’t understand is the longing I have for my former career, the desire for an identity outside of motherhood. They can’t fathom how I yearn to re-enter the corporate world, relishing responsibilities that extend beyond household chores and childcare. Each time I see or hear of other women finding professional fulfillment, it stings—a reminder of what I feel I’ve sacrificed.
When I was working, the same question often drew pity. It seemed as though people believed I should have been home with my child instead of working. But after the birth of my first child, I returned to work with surprisingly little guilt. I fell into a comfortable routine of daycare drop-offs and pickups, appreciating a balance that allowed me to thrive in both my professional and personal life. I felt fulfilled, and my workplace encouraged this harmony.
Looking back, I realize that my ability to work was a privilege I took for granted. Although financially it was often a wash, as long as we weren’t losing money, I could maintain my professional identity. However, after deciding to have more children, the reality of becoming a stay-at-home mom set in due to the staggering cost of childcare.
I know I’m not alone in feeling the financial strain of childcare. The recent “Early Learning in the United States” report by the Center of American Progress highlights that the average cost of center-based care consumes nearly 30% of the median family income. With three young children, the expense of daycare has become prohibitive, making it nearly impossible for me to pursue my career aspirations.
As I ponder the future, I worry about the impact of this career gap on my professional prospects. According to Fortune, women taking a five-year break from their careers at age 26 can lose an average of $467,000 in income and retirement benefits over their lifetime. Men, on the other hand, could lose around $596,000. The loss of my professional network and reputation weighs heavily on my mind, and I fear the doors that may close when I try to return to work.
My husband and I were aware of the shifts that having children would bring, and we wouldn’t change our decisions for anything. Yet, I find myself surprised by how much I crave the structure of working life. This longing fills me with guilt—guilt for feeling conflicted, for not being one of those women who always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. I feel guilty for the student loan debt I carry from a degree I’m not currently using and for wanting more from life than this role affords me. Am I being greedy for wanting more when I already have so much? Shouldn’t I be content with the blessings I have?
Despite recognizing how fleeting this time with my children is, I’m willing to pause my professional dreams for now. I know I will hold onto the hope of returning to the workforce one day. This is just another sacrifice in the journey of parenting, and ultimately, my children will always be worth it.
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In summary, navigating the emotional complexities of being a stay-at-home mom while grappling with the desire to return to a fulfilling career can be challenging. It’s a journey filled with sacrifices, guilt, and hopes for the future.