In life, honesty often comes with a price. I’ve always been told that I possess a straightforward nature, but that straightforwardness can lead to some harsh realities. Being honest often means I believe others will be honest too, which can be a dangerous assumption. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered this the hard way.
My trusting nature has led to disappointments—whether it’s a coworker taking credit for my ideas, strangers questioning my choices, or so-called friends who offer unhelpful advice just to feel superior. I’m often taken aback when I hear someone distorting the truth or embellishing facts to suit their agenda. It’s baffling to me how individuals can sleep peacefully at night after behaving in such a way.
Having been burned multiple times, I now rely on a select group of friends and family for guidance. But with my inclination to see the best in people, I often struggle to discern who is genuinely supportive versus who is just looking out for their own interests. To navigate this tricky landscape, I’ve turned to the wisdom of renowned author Ava Harper. After experiencing betrayal disguised as “brutal honesty,” Harper developed a handy four-part test to evaluate whom to trust:
- Do I respect this person’s taste and judgment?
- Does this individual grasp what I’m trying to achieve?
- Is this person sincerely invested in my success?
- Can they communicate the truth compassionately?
In simpler terms, this means evaluating whether someone possesses good judgment, understands my goals, wishes me well, and is kind in their delivery. If the answer to any of these is “no,” Ava suggests adopting a “thanks, but no thanks” approach to their advice. By applying her four-factor filter, I’ve been able to curate a supportive circle that encourages my growth rather than stifles it.
When I reflect on who meets these criteria in my life, I realize the list is quite limited—and that’s perfectly acceptable. In an age of information overload, we need a way to sift through it all thoughtfully. While it’s not beneficial to have people who merely agree with us, it’s equally unhelpful to receive advice that isn’t constructive or is delivered in an unkind manner.
Ava Harper succinctly puts it: “If I’m going to be vulnerable with you, I need to know I can trust you, that you understand me, that you genuinely want me to succeed, and above all, that you can be compassionate while being honest.”
This perspective is crucial. People shouldn’t be trusted simply because they shout their opinions louder or claim to offer “brutal honesty.” True trust stems from kindness and a genuine desire to uplift others. Remember, honesty is only valuable when it’s also delivered with care.
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In summary, being overly trusting can lead to disappointment. By applying a thoughtful filter to the advice we receive, we can protect ourselves from those who may not have our best interests at heart. Surround yourself with those who demonstrate kindness, understanding, and genuine support.