By: Sarah Lawson
Recently, while scrolling through social media, I came across a photo of some friends enjoying a relaxing afternoon together. I wasn’t part of that gathering. Despite my attempts to rationalize my absence—after all, I was closer to one of the women than the others—it still stung. I felt left out, and that familiar ache of loneliness resurfaced, reminiscent of those high school days when I was aware of the cool kids’ parties but never received an invitation.
Before the rise of social media, we could confine high school dramas to our teenage years. We grew up and realized that the so-called “popular kids” were just as insecure as the rest of us, and we moved on. Or so we thought. Popularity continues to play a significant role in our lives, and with platforms like Facebook and Instagram, it’s become increasingly challenging to escape its grasp even as adults.
However, not all aspects of popularity are negative, according to experts. Mitch Smith, author of Popularity: The Influence of Likability in a Status-Driven World, explains that there are two types of popularity: status-driven and relational. Unfortunately, many of us pursue the wrong kind. Those who chase status often experience anxiety, depression, and addiction, while those who cultivate likability tend to enjoy healthier relationships, more fulfilling careers, and even longer lives. Seeking popularity through superficial metrics like social media likes, luxury items, and social status often leads to dominating others, which ultimately harms our connections.
In the pre-digital age, we could navigate the complexities of popularity during our formative years without the constant pressure of social media feedback. Today, the quest for validation can feel like an ongoing high school experience. This phenomenon appears to affect girls more than boys, as girls often compare themselves to aggressive, high-status peers, leading to unrealistic and harmful standards, as Smith points out. This issue affects not just individuals but society as a whole.
Guiding Ourselves and Our Children
So how can we guide ourselves and our children through this modern landscape to prevent life from becoming a real-life version of “Mean Girls”? According to Smith, it’s essential for parents to foster likability in their children by promoting behaviors such as kindness, active listening, and building meaningful friendships instead of focusing solely on status symbols like athletic prowess or social media popularity.
The key to healthy popularity lies in the quality of relationships rather than the sheer number of acquaintances. A child should be appreciated for their character and how they treat others, rather than for their possessions or achievements. Moreover, we must recognize the genuine impact of popularity on our lives. Ignoring these feelings as mere teenage angst is not only misleading but also detrimental. Feelings of exclusion can affect us profoundly, even altering our genetic makeup over time.
Letting Go of Past Grievances
For adults grappling with these feelings, Smith recommends letting go of past high school grievances. It’s challenging, but it’s crucial to forgive those who may have hurt us in the past. We must recognize that it’s impossible to be liked by everyone, and not being invited to every gathering doesn’t mean we are missing out. Personally, I’ve found that nurturing a few close, high-quality friendships is far more rewarding than a multitude of casual relationships. Real-life connections are far healthier than the fleeting approval of social media.
When it comes to navigating the pangs of social media, it’s essential to resist the urge to obsess over likes and followers. It means enjoying life’s moments without the pressure to document them online. Celebrate your children’s achievements without broadcasting every milestone on social media. Acknowledge the discomfort that comes from feeling excluded, but don’t dwell on it.
Embracing Shared Experiences
While adult life may never entirely escape the shadow of high school, we can choose to embrace our shared experiences and recognize that we are all navigating these challenges together. Ultimately, genuine connections are far more meaningful than any status symbol.
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Summary
Adult life often mirrors high school dynamics, especially with the influence of social media. Understanding the difference between status-driven and relational popularity can help individuals foster healthier relationships. Prioritizing kindness and meaningful connections over superficial validation is key to navigating these challenges, both for ourselves and our children.