Open Adoption: A Journey Beyond Expectations

“Mom! I aced my test! Can you send a pic of it to my other mom?” This is a familiar scene in our household. We are a family of four kids—ages 10, 8, 8, and 3—who came to us through open adoption when they were just infants. Our 10 and 3-year-olds are biological siblings, as are our 8-year-old twins. Their birth mothers are integral to our daily lives, just like my own family members and other vital figures in our world.

However, it’s important to note that this narrative isn’t solely mine to share. It’s also a story that involves two remarkable women who brought our children into the world. They have graciously allowed me to tell our story, as they believe it might help other adoptive families who are hesitant about open adoption. We’ve come to realize that our kids deserve to know their entire story and maintain connections with all their important people. It’s our responsibility as adults to nurture those relationships.

Embracing Unique Relationships

What has surprised us the most is how much we have come to mean to one another. While many consider our relationship unique or even uncomfortable, we have embraced it. Historically, adoption was shrouded in secrecy, even until recently during the Baby Scoop Era. Birth families and adoptees often faced silence, with adoption framed as a seamless gift for those wishing to grow their families. Today, the complexities and traumas of adoption are starting to be acknowledged, but there’s still much progress to be made.

As we navigate our open adoption journey, we often find ourselves pondering why our relationship makes others uneasy. We speculate that it’s because we defy conventional norms. Questions often arise: How can a child thrive with two mothers? Isn’t it confusing for them? Does sharing the maternal role diminish our identities as mothers?

I often receive admiration for my role as an adoptive parent, while my children’s birth mothers have faced harsh judgments. For example, one of my children’s birth mothers, Lisa, has been wrongly accused of selling her kids. In the small town where the other birth mother, Tara, resides, people struggle to accept her choice to place her children for adoption. We recognize that adoption is a source of trauma, yet society tends to overlook its complexities.

Unexpected Joys and Connections

Reflecting on what we anticipated as we embarked on this journey, we realize none of us had a clear vision. We simply dove in, keeping the children’s best interests at heart. Tara expressed, “I gained a second family, which I never expected. It brings me immense joy to witness how many people love our kids.” We often chat about our furry friends and share fun science facts.

Lisa shared that what has flourished among us is what she hoped for, though she wasn’t entirely certain it would materialize. We enjoy late-night conversations about our kids’ adventures, who are a lively bunch that keeps us entertained. Despite challenges, such as pandemic-related visitation restrictions, we always include our kids in everything we do. When Lisa’s children mention their siblings, they always include ours.

We acknowledge that we are uncertain how our adult children will perceive this unconventional family structure we’ve built. My husband, grandparents, and extended family are heavily invested in our four wonderful kids, and we strive to do what feels right for everyone involved. We’ve made mistakes—just like all families do—but we persevere.

Overcoming Initial Concerns

To those who ask if I ever feel threatened or uneasy about my kids having their other moms in their lives, I admit that I had concerns initially. While we were committed to open adoption, the day-to-day dynamics felt daunting. Would we all mesh well? Would parenting decisions align? Would awkwardness fade over time? Now, more than a decade later, I can confidently say that my kids’ birth mothers are among my closest friends. They understand our family’s joys and struggles in ways no one else can, sharing a mother’s love for our children.

Resources for Further Exploration

If you’re interested in exploring more about family structures, check out this insightful post on our blog. For anyone on a fertility journey, Make A Mom offers valuable resources. Additionally, WomensHealth.gov is an excellent source for understanding infertility and home insemination.

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In summary, open adoption has unfolded in ways I never imagined, fostering deep connections not only for our children but among all of us involved. It’s a journey of love, shared experiences, and the recognition that family transcends traditional boundaries.

Keyphrase: Open adoption experiences

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