Menu: One Unexpected Strategy
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Could the technique of letting babies cry for a few minutes before responding work on an adult? Specifically, could it work on my own husband?
By Emma Taylor
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: June 20, 2022
Since the arrival of our first child, my bond with my partner has deepened in ways I never anticipated. Yet, it has also led me to contemplate some drastic measures. Such is the paradox of new parenthood. With endless tasks piling up, it can feel like my partner has transformed into a stressed coworker rather than a spouse. The source of our stress is our adorable, eight-pound baby, making it impossible not to direct frustration toward the only other adult present.
Though my husband is eager to be a supportive partner, I often found myself slipping into a cycle of martyrdom and nagging, particularly during those exhausting early days. Research indicates that many couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after having children, with women often taking on a greater share of childcare and household chores. I realized I needed to escape this trap of resentment by reducing my nagging and, quite frankly, doing less. In my sleep-deprived state, I stumbled upon an unusual idea: Le Pause.
Popularized by Pamela Druckman in her book Bringing Up Bébé, “Le Pause” refers to allowing babies to cry for a short period before intervening, with the hope that they’ll learn to self-soothe and sleep longer. This technique is a form of Sleep Training Lite that many French parents adopt from the very beginning. This concept made me wonder: If letting a baby cry for a moment works, could it also apply to my husband?
One morning, while both of us sat in a zombie-like state, scrolling through our phones after a mere five hours of sleep, our daughter began to whimper. Normally, I’d jump up to help her, feeling the pressure of the First Responder role I had taken on. But this time, as I listened to her cries, I decided to stay put. It wasn’t neglect or passive aggression; I was simply too exhausted to react. A minute passed, and then something unexpected happened. My husband put down his phone, picked up our baby, and began soothing her. I felt the urge to intervene but remembered Le Pause. Had I just unknowingly applied that technique on him?
This moment made me reflect on whether I had been holding him back from participating more actively in parenting. I had considered myself free from maternal gatekeeping, yet I realized I had developed a habit of jumping in first. According to Darcy Lockman, author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, implicit beliefs can shape co-parenting dynamics in ways that even progressive couples may not recognize.
Determined to break this pattern, I began to apply the Pause in other areas of our daily life. Whether it was lying in bed wishing someone would make coffee or waiting for the trash to overflow, I discovered that sometimes, doing nothing can lead to productive outcomes. Sure, our daughter might end up in a half-buttoned shirt, and the dishes may not get washed immediately, but I learned that giving space allows tasks to get done without my nagging voice interfering.
When I shared this strategy with a fellow parent, she mentioned she does something similar when her husband asks her where things are. Instead of jumping in, she lets him figure it out himself. Lockman noted that this approach could spark meaningful discussions about shared responsibilities.
Months later, I noticed my husband had become more proactive. On a recent morning, he automatically went to comfort our crying daughter, exclaiming joyfully about her healthy diaper change. In that moment, I felt relieved to step back and let him take the lead.
Emma Taylor is a writer and mother based in Seattle, WA. Her work focuses on parenting, culture, and the complexities of relationships. In her past roles, she has gained invaluable insights into life’s many lessons.
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