This Parent Discovered the Ideal Expression to Help Children Manage Their Anger

Instead of merely suppressing anger, the key is to recognize and comprehend it.

By Jamie Carter
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 26, 2022

Many of us grew up believing that anger is a harsh and undesirable emotion that should be hidden, especially if you wanted to be taken seriously—particularly for women. Showing anger might allow others to dismiss or silence you. Additionally, anger is often seen as a secondary emotion, stemming from more primary feelings like fear, sadness, or embarrassment. While there is some truth to this, telling someone to set aside their anger and focus on its cause isn’t always effective, especially during an emotional outburst. Anyone who has calmly asked a furious toddler to “calm down” knows this all too well. What if there was a way to acknowledge and respect someone’s anger while also guiding them to uncover the source of their frustration?

Enter parenting coach and TikTok creator, Ella Brooks, who has discovered a straightforward phrase that validates anger while promoting resolution. “I found a phrase that helps my son express his anger,” Ella shares in a TikTok video that has nearly 5 million views. “I want to make sure he understands that anger isn’t a bad thing,” she adds. Reflecting on her own childhood experiences, which many can relate to, Ella explains, “I was taught that anger is wrong, leading me to feel like the troublesome kid and the ‘angry woman’ stereotype. We’re not perpetuating that narrative.”

Ella emphasizes that while this isn’t her go-to response when her son is “really, really mad,” when she notices signs of escalating frustration, she uses a specific approach. By getting down to her son’s level and speaking in a calm yet firm tone, she asks, “What is your anger trying to tell you?”

“What I want to teach him is that anger signals something is off, like a boundary being crossed or a need not being met.” Ella clarifies that while stating a need doesn’t ensure it will be addressed, articulating it increases the chances of fulfillment rather than lashing out in anger.

This parenting method also aligns with neurological findings. Anger activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotions like fear and responses to threat. Engaging the prefrontal cortex, which is linked to reasoning and judgment, is essential. By asking, “What is your anger trying to tell you?” we can shift the focus to rational thinking, allowing us to address the underlying issues calmly.

This lesson in handling anger is valuable not only for children but also for adults.

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In summary, teaching children to understand their anger and explore what it signifies is crucial for emotional growth. By validating their feelings and encouraging dialogue about underlying issues, we can help them develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Keyphrase: Helping Kids Manage Anger
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