Timeouts Can Be Beneficial for Older Kids — If Used Properly

Taking a moment to step back from intense emotions can be a valuable coping strategy for kids when implemented correctly.

Some time ago, while relocating, I sought my therapist’s advice on organizing our new home. She offered two insightful tips: distribute my children’s belongings throughout the house to help them feel at home everywhere and create designated private areas to support healthy alone time.

Shortly after settling in, one of my sons began experiencing significant mood swings. At just seven or eight years old, he sometimes became so overwhelmed that he would either shut down or act out. As a social worker, I was aware that research on timeouts presents mixed findings, but as a mother, I recognized that my son could truly benefit from them.

Timeouts can be detrimental if employed purely as a disciplinary method. Children require support in processing their emotions, which cannot occur if they are isolated. When timeouts are perceived as punishment, children may associate negative behaviors with feelings of isolation, abandonment, or rejection. Moreover, these timeouts often extend too long; experts recommend limiting them to a maximum of 3-5 minutes when used for discipline.

However, that was not the kind of timeout my son needed. He required a different interpretation of the term — a brief break to pause from activity. I could see he needed a method to calm down while knowing I was nearby for reassurance. Like me, he prefers not to be touched or engage in conversation when upset. Thus, immediate interventions like hugs or forcing dialogue proved counterproductive.

Together, we redefined what a timeout could mean, collaborating to create a space where he could cool down and gather his thoughts during emotional moments. We established a special area on the coziest couch in the living room, where he tucked away a box of books and art supplies. The agreement was that he could take a timeout whenever he felt necessary; it was never a punishment but a means for rest and healing. We also set a half-hour limit on these timeouts.

Now a tween, my son still utilizes these timeouts effectively. He openly communicates when he needs some alone time, and I trust his judgment. His timeout areas have expanded; sometimes he chooses to play basketball outside, read upstairs, or draw at his desk. In our home, timeouts do not involve technology, as we haven’t found it helpful for calming down.

When he calls for a “timeout,” my acknowledgment of that request strengthens our bond. We both understand that choosing to take time alone is far different from being forced into isolation. Over time, we’ve learned the ideal duration for these breaks, and he recognizes when he is ready to re-engage. Importantly, he understands my discipline methods and knows that his timeouts don’t fall under that category.

Tweens and teens face considerable challenges, often feeling anxious, stressed, and exhausted. Many find themselves overstimulated and in need of permission to relax and recharge. Timeouts can serve as an effective solution. As parents, we can empower our tweens and teens to call for a timeout from overwhelming schedules, heated arguments, or intense emotions. Providing this option makes them feel valued and seen, allowing them to prioritize their well-being while equipping them with a lifelong coping tool.

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Summary:

This article discusses the positive aspects of using timeouts as a coping mechanism for older children, emphasizing the importance of creating a supportive environment for emotional processing rather than employing timeouts as punishment. By allowing kids to choose their timeout spaces and durations, parents can help them learn to manage their emotions effectively.

Keyphrase: Timeouts for older kids

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