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- Unwarranted Anxiety
A full year of preparation! Dealing with everyone’s opinions! So much judgment, and in the end, whatever choice you make is fine.
By Emily R. Johnson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: March 23, 2022
The moment you get engaged, the question is always, “Congrats! When’s the wedding?” Similarly, when folks discover you have a high school junior or senior, the inevitable inquiry is, “Where are they planning to go to college?”
Both questions are completely natural. I love discussing weddings and am genuinely curious about where friends are sending their children. However, it wasn’t until some close friends began planning their weddings while my high school junior is inundated with college brochures that I recognized the underlying anxiety I feel as a parent of a college-bound teen. Assisting him with college applications is giving me wedding-planning PTSD.
You convince yourself you won’t get overwhelmed. Then you do.
Every bride aims to remain calm, and every mom believes she won’t lose her cool during the college selection process. Yet here I am, having once advised friends, “Don’t let your kid apply to more than ten schools!”—and now my son’s list has 15 and counting. I can hear myself shifting from, “I can’t stress about this” to “OMG, I’m so stressed!” I even hired a college advisor, akin to having a wedding planner. When he suggested a list of colleges for my son, I had the audacity to propose alternatives. Some of my emails to him are… rants. I’m not going to lie; I think I’m paying him to endure my anxieties.
You have to start a year in advance.
In January, my phone reminded me of a memory: a college tour with my oldest child. Rather than nostalgia, I felt sheer panic. I am way behind with kid #2! He’s seen only one college. I frantically opened my laptop to find college tours for spring break. What was I thinking, waiting until spring to see colleges when he needs to apply this November? I had flashbacks to scrambling to secure a Fall wedding venue before Valentine’s Day.
Everyone has something to say.
My partner and I eloped, and some folks warned me I’d regret it. I haven’t. Likewise, when I mentioned my firstborn was interested in larger universities, people rushed to suggest we should also consider small liberal arts schools. Why? Because it’s the complete opposite of what we want? With my son, when I’m asked to name a few colleges, I often hear, “Oh gosh, I hope he enjoys the snow there,” or “I had a nephew who went there; he hated it.” Thanks for the input! How’s it going?
This is the very question I ask every bride-to-be. It’s the same question I faced while organizing the celebration for our marriage. I enjoyed sharing details about the reception, but discussing them also opened the door for more opinions and my self-doubt. The same goes for college; mentioning anything, even something as simple as, “We’re waiting to hear,” brings forth a flood of inquiries (“When do you expect to hear back?”) that leave your head spinning.
You’ll never have enough funds and eventually need to be realistic.
Weddings can cost a fortune. At some point, you have to hit the brakes. (For me, it was with the wedding favors. We could either have flowers or favors at the reception, and I went with flowers.) College can be similarly expensive. Some families can afford to pay, while others might resort to unethical means (looking at you, Aunt Becky). Ultimately, regular families need to spend as little as possible; no one should drain their retirement savings to fund a child’s college education.
In the end, these details aren’t the most important.
A wedding is merely a ceremony, not a marriage; it’s just the beginning. Likewise, where your child goes to college does not define their career or life path. Whatever they pursue afterward, whether it aligns with expectations or takes a surprising turn, that’s the real narrative, and it’s the part that cannot be planned for. I keep reminding myself of this as I log on to schedule my son for the SAT.
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Summary
The journey through the college application process mirrors the often overwhelming experience of wedding planning. The pressure from well-meaning friends and family, the anxiety over finances, and the need to start early can create a whirlwind of stress. Ultimately, both college choices and weddings are just milestones in a much larger journey, and the real adventure lies in what comes next.
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