My Kids are Moving On: Coping with Their Growing Independence

Mom, It’s Time for a Change

During the pandemic, my four tweens and teens became my closest companions. They were my partners for walks, my culinary assistants, my audience for my awful jokes, and my dance partners while tackling household chores. We celebrated New Year’s Eve together and enjoyed Saturday night movie marathons. Our entire social life revolved around each other, creating a cozy bubble of family connection.

Then one winter night, my youngest, age 11, announced he was heading to bed. As I started to rise from the couch to tuck him in, he stopped me, saying, “No, Mom. I want to say goodnight here. I don’t need you to tuck me in.” Those words pierced my heart more than any physical pain could. My little boy, who used to shower me with goodnight kisses, now offered me a quick peck on the forehead before rushing upstairs.

That was just the beginning. A few weeks later, I asked my 13-year-old daughter which movie she wanted to watch that evening. With pity in her eyes, she replied, “I’m really sorry, Mom, but I’d rather FaceTime my friends instead.” She gave me a quick hug before darting up to her room, leaving me feeling rejected.

As their lives started returning to normal, my children began choosing friends over family. I was genuinely excited for them to socialize again, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss. Where were my little buddies going? I understood that it’s typical for adolescents to distance themselves from their parents, but knowing this didn’t ease the emotional sting. It felt like my kids were breaking up with me.

But here’s the reality: it’s not about me; it’s about their growth. The ultimate goal of parenting is to nurture our children’s independence so they can thrive on their own. All those years of hard work—sleep training, potty training, school separations, swimming lessons, and learning to order at restaurants—were all leading to this moment. We must allow our kids to separate, even if it’s difficult for us.

Not only do we need to let them go, but we also have to manage our feelings about their independence. How do we respond when they ask us to stop holding their hand on the way to school? Or when they request to be dropped off two blocks away from their friends? Especially after the closeness we’ve shared over the past couple of years, it can be painful to navigate their growing independence.

Three Reminders for Staying Grounded

Here are three reminders for staying grounded when it feels like our kids are breaking up with us—ways to reinforce that they are our children, not our peers, and that we can maintain our connection while supporting their independence.

Don’t Offload Our Emotions onto Them. It’s perfectly natural for our kids to seek independence, and it’s important not to make them feel guilty for their healthy growth. When they choose friends over family, we shouldn’t pressure them to feel bad about it. For instance, when my daughter opts out of movie night, I can say, “I’m glad you’re connecting with your friends. Let’s plan another time to watch something together.”
Establish New Rituals That Honor Their Independence. Just because our kids are seeking distance doesn’t mean we should give up on family time. They still need a connection with us, and we need to keep an eye on their well-being. Rather than retreating in response to rejection, we can find new ways to bond. For example, I might say to my youngest, “Thanks for sharing how you’d like to go to bed. I’ll miss tucking you in—can we create a new goodnight routine?”
Use Their Independence as a Teaching Opportunity. When our kids express their desire for separation, we can help them articulate their needs more constructively. If they initially say, “Leave me alone, Mom,” we can guide them to communicate more effectively, like, “Can you drop me off a couple of blocks from school? It feels awkward having you with me.”

As parents, we are in it for the long haul. The greatest sign of our success is when our kids can confidently step away from us. The most rewarding indication that we’ve done well is when they choose to come back, not out of necessity, but out of desire.

For more on navigating the journey of parenting and independence, check out this insightful blog post, which offers further resources and perspectives on the subject. You can also visit Make A Mom for expert advice on home insemination, or explore Hopkins Medicine for comprehensive information on fertility and pregnancy resources.

Summary

As children grow, their desire for independence can feel like a personal loss for parents. It’s essential to recognize that this shift is a natural part of their development. By managing our emotions, creating new family rituals, and teaching our kids to express their needs thoughtfully, we can maintain strong connections while supporting their journey toward independence.

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