Updated: July 29, 2023
Originally Published: July 29, 2023
It’s a universal truth: at some point, every child—no matter how polite or well-mannered—will unleash a wave of sass that can leave any parent dumbfounded. Whether it’s a toddler throwing a tantrum or a teenager rolling their eyes, disrespectful comments can emerge from the most unexpected places. The root of the issue lies in their inability to recognize their parents as individuals, rather than just authority figures.
My partner, Mark, and I faced our share of this back talk, reacting with phrases like, “You can’t speak to me, your own mother, like that,” and “We treat everyone with respect.” While these responses seemed effective temporarily, we often found ourselves questioning, “What kind of children are we raising?” It became clear that our kids didn’t see us as people with feelings; they viewed us merely as “Mom” and “Dad.”
In our attempts to assert authority, we had inadvertently reduced ourselves to mere roles. We were missing the opportunity to show our kids that we are more than just caregivers; we are individuals with our own lives, emotions, and relationships. Before we were parents, we were people—complete with our own histories and identities.
In an effort to shift this dynamic, we decided to approach the situation differently. The next time one of our children spoke to me disrespectfully, Mark intervened with a firm, “You cannot talk to my wife like that.” I could almost see the gears turning in their heads: “Wait, she’s someone’s wife? But she’s my mom!” This small shift in language made a monumental difference. Suddenly, I was perceived as more than just a mother; I was recognized as a valued partner, deserving of respect and kindness.
As this new approach took root, our children began to understand that their words have power, and that their mother—a person who handles everything from dinner plans to finding missing socks—can also experience hurt. They learned that behind every title like “teacher,” “coach,” or even “waitress,” are real people deserving of empathy and consideration.
So, the next time your child responds disrespectfully, have your partner or a friend step in and say, “You can’t talk to my wife/friend/sister like that.” Watch as the perception shifts, and you become a real, respected person in their eyes. It’s a simple yet transformative step.
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In summary, instilling respect in your children requires a shift in how you present yourself. By stepping out of the “parent” role and embracing your identity as a person, you can foster a deeper understanding and appreciation from your kids, paving the way for a more respectful and empathetic relationship.