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How to Effectively Communicate with Your Teen (Remember: It’s Not About ‘Winning’)
by Jamie Carter
Updated: Dec. 8, 2021
Originally Published: Dec. 8, 2021
My 15-year-old daughter and I usually have a great relationship, but she’s the one I occasionally clash with the most. One of our significant disagreements happened regarding screen time during the onset of the pandemic.
With everything shut down and school moving online, I was trying to enforce the screen time limits we had in place, while my daughter was growing increasingly anxious and distressed about those restrictions. We had one major confrontation that ended with me grounding her from screens entirely, except for schoolwork. She ended up in tears, and while I had asserted my authority and “won” the argument, I felt awful about how it turned out.
Upon reflection, I realized I had completely dismissed her feelings. It wasn’t just about her wanting more screen time; she was genuinely upset that I wasn’t listening to her perspective.
In a calmer moment, I returned to her room to start over. This time, I approached the conversation with a desire to understand her feelings. During our talk, I discovered that her stress stemmed from not being able to see her friends in person. Her entire social life had shifted online, with many of her screen hours dedicated to schoolwork. It felt unfair to her that I was counting all of that time against her recreational screen time.
While I was worried about the effects of screen use, she was just trying to maintain some social connection in a challenging time. Together, we established new guidelines, and I shifted my perspective on screen time.
Arguing Like a Scientist
In his book Think Again, Adam Grant explores how we approach arguments: like a preacher, fervently defending our beliefs as if they are sacred; like a prosecutor, meticulously dismantling opposing views with logic or evidence; or like a politician, seeking approval to sway opinions. Regardless of whom we are debating with, whether it’s a coworker, friend, or family member, we often default to one of these roles. Grant suggests that instead, we should argue like scientists.
When I argue, I tend to slip into prosecutor mode while mistakenly thinking I’m being scientific. Scientists are curious, while I often bombard my daughter with facts and statistics to prove my point.
Reading Grant’s book made me reflect on the times I had steamrolled my daughter during discussions, especially regarding screen time. I remembered how much better our conversation went when I returned with a genuine curiosity—like a scientist. I began to realize that using my parental authority to preach or prosecute might be harming our relationship and inhibiting her independence. That’s not the type of parent I aspire to be.
Are We Preachers and Prosecutors with Our Teens?
With younger children, we often have to take on the preacher role because we genuinely know what’s best for them. We can still converse with them like scientists, approaching discussions with curiosity to understand their feelings, but ultimately, the final decision rests with us. Yes, brushing teeth is non-negotiable. Yes, it’s time for bed. Yes, a doctor’s visit is necessary, and here are the reasons why. While we can show empathy for their resistance, our explanations will inevitably involve some level of preaching.
As our kids grow from children to tweens to teens, it can be difficult to let go of the “parent-knows-best” mentality. However, if we aim to raise independent thinkers who make positive contributions to society and feel confident in their choices, we must gradually loosen our grip.
Now, my most fruitful conversations with my daughter happen when I act more like a scientist. Instead of insisting on my viewpoint, I ask her to explain her thoughts. When I approach from a place of wanting to understand her feelings, we often end up having a meaningful discussion rather than an argument.
Listening Doesn’t Always Mean Changing Your Mind
As parents, we sometimes need to prioritize safety or well-being. However, a child who feels truly heard is likely to accept a “no” much better than a child who perceives a directive as an arbitrary command.
So, if you find yourself in a standoff with your teen, consider what role you’ve taken in the argument. Are you trying to “win” by preaching, prosecuting, or seeking their approval? If so, take a step back, breathe, and adopt a scientific mindset—shift from asserting authority to seeking understanding. You might discover that your teen possesses insights and reasoning you hadn’t considered, and you may even find yourself changing your stance.
For more on related topics, check out this insightful post on Home Insemination, which discusses various methods to navigate challenging situations. For comprehensive information about fertility, visit Make a Mom, a trusted resource on these subjects. Additionally, explore Mayo Clinic’s guide for valuable insights into pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, effective communication with your teen is not about winning arguments but fostering understanding and connection. By shifting from a preachy or prosecutorial approach to a more scientific mindset, parents can create a supportive environment where teens feel heard and valued.
Keyphrase: Effective communication with teens
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