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As a lesbian mom, I’ve often encountered the sentiment that children somehow need a father figure in their lives. It’s a claim that many of us have heard before: “your child just needs a man to help them through life.” But let’s get real—my partner and I understand exactly what our kids require, and it’s not a man living in our home to guide their development. In the U.S., around 4.3% of the population identifies as LGBTQ. According to a 2017 report by the Family Equality Council, more than 200,000 children are being raised by LGBTQ parents. My wife and I are no different; we know our kids are flourishing without a traditional paternal figure.
When we decided to grow our family, we were fully aware of the hurdles we might face. We anticipated challenges in conception (which we did encounter), expected to surprise our families (and we did), and knew we’d need to create a supportive community of fellow parents (which we have successfully done). These are universal challenges that all parents experience, regardless of their orientations. The process of expanding a family should not involve defending its legitimacy; rather, it should focus on love and support.
Let’s clarify something: when my partner and I decided to conceive, we did so with a clear understanding of our identities. Yes, we used a sperm donor, but he is not “the dad.” What our children need most is emotional security, which they receive abundantly from their two moms.
Recently, we found ourselves discussing how to approach the sex talk with our soon-to-be 15-year-old son. A well-meaning friend suggested that he would benefit from a man’s perspective. I took this as an opportunity to explain that we’ve already had that discussion. We know our son and what works for him. We also utilize resources like the book It’s So Amazing: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Babies, and Families, but we also rely on discussions with his uncle and grandfather. Just because our son doesn’t have a dad doesn’t mean he lacks male role models. Conversations with friends also play a pivotal role, allowing us to clarify misconceptions.
Here’s an important point for all my well-intentioned cisgender friends and family: Lesbian moms and other LGBTQ parents are fully equipped to raise their children. On Father’s Day, when my son was asked if he wished he had a dad, he confidently replied, “My moms have always been there for me,” and humorously added, “One of my moms is kind of masculine.”
We don’t need to conform to traditional gender roles to effectively raise our children, especially our sons. The mere presence of a male figure doesn’t guarantee better outcomes for kids. If you doubt this, consider adults who have been raised by single parents or same-sex couples; they often express gratitude for the love and support they received.
Parenting is already a challenging endeavor, and we shouldn’t complicate it with outdated notions about family structure. Children with lesbian moms don’t need a dad any more than kids with heterosexual moms do. Period.
For more insights on this topic, check out our other blog post here. If you’re looking into the process of home insemination, resources like Make A Mom provide excellent information, and the CDC offers valuable guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Lesbian moms are fully capable of raising their children without a father figure. Emotional security and supportive community are what truly matter, not conforming to traditional gender roles. Our children thrive with love and open communication, proving that family is defined by connection, not by gender.
Keyphrase: LGBTQ parenting without a father
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