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My children are often seen as the ‘misunderstood’ kids. You know the type. They’re the loudest on the playground, swinging their swings to dizzying heights. When it’s time to go, they can be heard screaming. Sometimes they dash off, and at least one of them throws a dramatic, age-inappropriate tantrum in front of their friends. They might even hit their siblings. They don’t always use playground equipment correctly; instead, they climb up slides, shimmy through tunnels, and hang from great heights. They’re the only kids capable of scaling the fireman’s pole, and they do it effortlessly. When there are sticks around, they pick them up, use them for imaginary battles, or organize mini-armies. Pine cones become projectiles, and logs transform into fort-building supplies that are only safe if no one breathes on them.
They discover intriguing things, interrupt conversations, whine, and sometimes take more cookies than they should. Other parents often wish they weren’t on the playground. I see the disapproving looks when I escort one of my kids, who is crying loudly, to the car. Those glances say, “Those kids are out of control, and it’s her fault.” They’re labeled as the ‘bad’ kids, and if only I would just… insert harsh punishment here.
But here’s the truth: My kids aren’t bad; they’re neurodiverse. Each has different degrees of ADHD, and unfortunately, the world isn’t designed with neurodiverse individuals in mind. This can lead to loud voices, tantrums, and a constant need for sensory experiences, which often results in climbing up slides rather than using them as intended. My children need to move, which is why they spend so much time running outside. Yes, they’re strong enough to hang from high places. When my oldest was a diver, he often demonstrated challenging moves for older kids.
Children with ADHD frequently exhibit behaviors that seem inappropriate for their age, including whining, tantrums, and interrupting others. They might appear to be ‘bad kids,’ but they are simply acting in ways that align with their neurodiverse needs.
They have a ‘free-range’ upbringing. At home, they play with sticks, create stick armies in the backyard, and build forts. Sure, it may not align with traditional parenting styles, but I’m not sorry if it disrupts someone’s idea of a perfect playground. I apologize if another child is envious while their parent insists they stay away.
This free-range philosophy is crucial for my kids’ well-being. Their ADHD requires creative outdoor outlets that provide exercise and the freedom to learn from their mistakes. A simple swing set won’t suffice.
Since they are homeschooled, they see all ages as potential friends, readily sharing sticks with younger kids. What others don’t see is their mindfulness about ensuring those little ones are safe. However, too many people are quick to label them as troublemakers.
When children misbehave, parents often bear the blame. If my kids are acting out, it’s automatically seen as a reflection of my parenting. I reinforce this perception when my child throws a tantrum, and instead of punishing him, I kneel down, talk to him, and hug him until he calms down (unless we’re leaving, then I guide him to the car first). If they use equipment incorrectly, I calmly say, “Hey, buddy! Let’s not climb the slide; little ones might follow your lead.”
I don’t impose strict rules about playground equipment, as I believe my children are capable of navigating it safely. But since other kids might imitate them, and it annoys other parents, I gently redirect them.
Unfortunately, gentle approaches often don’t suffice for those who view them as ‘bad kids.’
When discussing behaviors like whining or hitting, I strive for calm conversations. “Do you want to take a break with me?” I might ask, leading to a quiet moment at The Parent Table. But others often don’t appreciate ‘bad kids’ interrupting their adult conversations.
My children have ADHD, and punishing them for expressing their feelings won’t help them learn to manage their emotions. We focus on emotional regulation through gentle discussions, encouraging them to use their words and take deep breaths.
Regarding sticks and forts, I’ll intervene if other parents seem overly upset, but I’ll do so kindly and without instilling guilt. “So-and-so feels uncomfortable with sticks, so let’s be respectful and find another game,” I’ll explain. I refuse to make my kids feel ashamed for breaking a rule that I didn’t personally impose on them. Consistency is key for neurodiverse children. I’ll respect others’ feelings, but I won’t make them feel guilty for simply being kids.
So yes, they may continue to be perceived as the ‘bad kids’ until society adjusts its views to embrace neurodiversity and various parenting styles. I don’t foresee that change happening anytime soon.
If you see a parent with a child who seems too old for a tantrum, or a kid yelling and climbing slides, maybe consider breaking the habit of blaming their parents. Instead, think, “How can I help?” We moms of neurodiverse kids would appreciate your support.
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Summary:
The author reflects on the challenges of parenting neurodiverse children, often misjudged as ‘bad kids’ due to their loudness and energetic behavior. She emphasizes the importance of understanding neurodiversity and a free-range upbringing, urging others to offer support rather than judgment in these situations.
Keyphrase: neurodiverse children parenting
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