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Psychologist Dr. Amanda Thompson is dedicated to dismantling the stigma surrounding miscarriage and assisting parents in their grieving process. Dr. Thompson, Ph.D., who specializes in reproductive and maternal mental health, gained a profound understanding of the emotional toll of miscarriage after experiencing the loss of her second child at 16 weeks while alone at home. This combination of personal tragedy and professional expertise equips her to support others navigating the aftermath of pregnancy loss, and she is committed to guiding those in pain through their grief.
The author of I Experienced a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement, and the founder of the #IExperiencedAMiscarriage campaign, Dr. Thompson is focused on two essential questions: How can I process the grief of my miscarriage? And how can I support a loved one who has experienced a miscarriage?
In a recent conversation, Dr. Thompson delved into these questions, leading to broader discussions about why miscarriage is so often stigmatized, why individuals may feel shame, and why many remain silent on the topic, regardless of their personal experiences.
How can I support a friend after they’ve suffered a pregnancy loss?
Dr. Amanda Thompson: Most people feel uncertain about what to say or do in such situations because our culture largely avoids discussing grief. We seldom acknowledge this specific kind of loss, which I refer to as an “out-of-order loss.” This type of grief stems from the loss of a person or future that others couldn’t see or know, creating complex emotions that many struggle to address—especially the loss of an imagined family member.
Without guidance, people often resort to well-meaning but unhelpful platitudes. Phrases like, “At least you know you can get pregnant,” or “It wasn’t meant to be,” do not provide comfort. Instead, they push grief aside while reinforcing a culture of silence, stigma, and shame.
The most important thing we can do for those in pain is to be present and meet them where they are, resisting the urge to “fix” their situation or offer unsolicited advice.
- Do say: “How are you?”
- Don’t say: “It’ll be different next time.”
- Do say: “If you ever want to talk about your experience, I’m here for you.”
- Don’t say: “Stay positive.”
- Do say: “I support you, whatever you’re feeling.”
- Don’t say: “Maybe consider IVF or adoption…”
Simply say what you would want to hear if you were in their position. If it’s hard to know what to say, focus on compassion, consistency, and love.
What do you wish people understood about grieving a miscarriage?
Grief is a human right; it’s not linear, and it shouldn’t be rushed. It’s important to embrace your emotions rather than suppress them, as feelings are fleeting. If you ever feel isolated, remember that countless others share this experience. Grief is messy and unpredictable, with no clear timeline. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate it.
In my memoir, I reflect on how trauma and grief can leave you feeling suspended in time, making it hard to be present or fully break down. Grief isn’t about powering through; it’s about taking things one step at a time. If you sense professional help could be beneficial, seek it. Share your story if you feel ready. If you find comfort in spirituality, pursue it. If privacy is what you need, honor that. If you crave connection, seek out support groups or online communities.
Above all, remember: you did nothing to deserve this. Your story matters.
What advice would you give to yourself in the days following your loss?
I wish I had known that pregnancy loss could shake you to your core. I wish I had understood that grief is cyclical and unpredictable, without a clear beginning or end. I wish I had known that navigating postpartum emotions alongside the loss would be particularly challenging.
I’ve learned that heartache and hope often coexist. I’ve found that leaning into grief can help prevent being overwhelmed by it. I discovered that no amount of knowledge can truly prepare you for the emotional experience of loss. Grief is natural and universal; no one is immune to it.
Why do women feel shame surrounding miscarriage?
There’s a troubling cycle of silence, stigma, and shame surrounding miscarriage. The cultural silence fosters stigma, which in turn cultivates shame. This cycle isolates grievers, often leaving them with hurtful platitudes or complete silence from others. As this silence grows, individuals may start to doubt themselves and their experiences, questioning if they are to blame for their loss.
To break this cycle, we must share our stories and resist self-blame. It’s important to rely on scientific understanding of why miscarriages happen rather than create narratives that place blame on ourselves. Remember, you are not alone; approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet many feel isolated until they share their experiences. By opening up about these profound losses, we can foster a culture that acknowledges grief and the conversations that surround it.
What should you do if you experience “bump envy”?
Acknowledge it, share your feelings with someone who understands, and allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. It’s completely normal to feel envious when you see someone else’s pregnancy after your own loss. Remember that the beautiful belly you might envy may have its own story of struggle.
As I discuss in my book, not every miscarriage is met with sorrow; for some, it can be a relief for various reasons, yet this response is often viewed as taboo. For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit this excellent resource: Womens Health.
For additional insights, check out one of our other blog posts here and learn more from experts like Make a Mom who focus on fertility topics.