artificial insemination syringe
It’s been 995 days since I walked away from a life I believed would last forever—a life I poured my heart into, a life lived fully. It was not without its flaws; it was beautifully painful, but for 2,407 days, it was mine. Then, just like that, it was gone.
Navigating the emotions that arise from this reality has been a journey. For 995 days, I’ve been in a state of denial, intentionally pushing down my feelings. My heart shattered the moment I realized I had to leave, splintering into countless pieces the last day I shut that door behind me. Although my heart has mended, it’s not whole; there are gaps where a woman and three children I cherished once resided, spaces that no new love can fill. It’s a void that remains—a wound that won’t heal.
While I’ve openly grieved the loss of the three beautiful souls I had the privilege of parenting for nearly seven years, there has been a hidden sorrow: the nostalgia for a love that felt like it was meant to last forever. Even as I’ve found my soulmate after these profound losses, I felt there was no room for this longing, so I brushed it aside, hiding it from everyone—including myself.
Recently, however, the dam holding back these suppressed feelings began to crack. What started as a trickle turned into a flood; all that I had been trying to conceal poured out. I had convinced myself that it was unacceptable to mourn my past while fully embracing my present.
How foolish to think that I couldn’t hold both—my past and my current reality.
I do feel it all; my emotions are valid. I carry a profound sadness over giving my best self to a life that ended too soon. There’s a persistent fear that I may never feel whole again, as a part of me vanished when those dreams crumbled. I still yearn for the woman I once loved with everything I had to still be a part of my life today.
When you share a deep love with someone, it alters you forever. Sometimes that transformation creates an everlasting bond, and other times it simply cannot endure. In either case, we are forever changed. Before her, I had never known a love like that, and I likely never will again. It was uniquely ours, real and raw, even if it didn’t culminate in a happy ending. The power of that love will always reside in my heart.
These are my truths, and I can no longer hide them.
A wise friend reminded me recently that the heart remembers. I still feel that love in my bones, like a bittersweet ache that surfaces when it rains. And lately, as I’ve been submerged in these emotions, I’ve come to realize how deeply I wish things were different. I don’t desire to return to my previous life, nor do I regret the choices that have led me to this point. My current life is filled with joy, married to my dream partner and parenting our wonderful children. This is not a confession of regret but rather a reflection on how every experience has enriched my love for my current family.
I was initially afraid to voice these feelings, but they began to spill out uncontrollably, signaling it was time to confront them. And so, I do.
The tumult inside me has settled. I feel steadier and more at peace today. I am no longer at war with my emotions. By allowing these feelings to surface, I’ve rediscovered my true self—the emotionally honest, present, heart-centered individual I’ve become over the years. For this, I am immensely thankful.
Today, I stand right where I’m meant to be, and I will continue to show up. For some, my revelations may be difficult to grasp, but I know that many can relate to these truths. If I can impart any wisdom from my experiences, let it be this: release your burdens, accept your feelings, and navigate life unguarded. Stop dwelling on past chapters or worrying about those yet to unfold. Allow your current story to develop as it should, and be present in your own life.
These are my commitments to myself, and for the first time in a long while, I am fully embracing who I am and the life I lead. In this moment, I am lighter, cherishing each moment with my loved ones, and inviting you to join me on this evolving journey.
If you’re interested in more insights, check out this other blog post for further exploration on similar themes. And for authoritative information on home insemination, visit Make A Mom. Additionally, Healthline offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.