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Friendship evaluations, often referred to as “friendship audits,” can take on various meanings. According to Jordan Miller, who shared his insights in “Why I Conduct ‘Friendship Audits’ Annually”, these assessments serve as a means to reflect on connections and ensure that promises to friends remain intact. Many, including myself, approach friendship audits as an opportunity to assess our social circles and determine who truly belongs in our lives. Think of it as examining a bag of pre-washed romaine lettuce and removing the not-so-fresh leaves. While it would be ideal for every connection to be perfect, that’s rarely the case, which is why these audits are vital.
If you consider Dunbar’s Number, which suggests a person can maintain around 150 relationships, the practice of friendship audits becomes clearer. This figure encompasses all types of connections—from romantic partners to acquaintances who might attend significant life events. However, your closest friends, your inner circle, typically only numbers about five. Nurturing these essential relationships demands considerable time investment. According to Dunbar, forming a strong bond with a new friend requires around 200 hours over a few months. As noted by journalist Alex Green, maintaining close friendships is quite a time-consuming endeavor.
With limited spaces for best friends and precious time, a little social pruning becomes necessary. Growing up, many of us heard the adage, “Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” This advice seemed sensible back in the days of friendship bracelets and blood oaths. However, my experiences over the years have taught me that the bonds formed years ago may not always endure—and that’s perfectly natural.
In my younger years, many friendships were built on a foundation of cheap drinks and late-night escapades. I recall a girl from my Latin class whom I liked but knew would never be a close friend outside of school because she didn’t drink. At that time, it made sense to prioritize friends who shared my interests, especially when late-night adventures were the norm. Over countless hours spent together, we surely hit that 200-hour mark required for close connections.
As time went on, the natural evolution of friendships occurred, often without any conscious effort. Back then, maintaining friendships relied heavily on phone calls and in-person interactions, making it challenging to keep those ties strong. Interestingly, I found myself distancing from friends whose primary focus was drinking, especially the ones who turned every outing into a dramatic scene. Eventually, I decided it was time for a serious friendship audit, and none of those relationships made the cut.
In my later years, I shifted my focus to friendships that reflected my current lifestyle. I began connecting with fellow educators and mothers who shared similar values and experiences. However, as our children grew older, our common ground started to fade, leading to another round of friendship evaluations. I realized that my time was precious, and I no longer wanted to invest it in relationships that no longer served me.
When people think of friendship audits, they often envision cutting out toxic individuals from their lives. While I’ve had some audits that fit that description, it’s not the primary reason for mine. For me, it’s about the time I’m willing to invest. My inner circle has about six close friends—quite aligned with Dunbar’s number. I cherish these relationships and strive to prioritize “we” time over “me” time. While I may not hit that ambitious 200-hour target, I am making a deliberate effort.
Perhaps it’s time to rethink the ultimate goal of friendship audits, focusing on ensuring that I maintain my commitment to my friends. If I’m fortunate, my small circle will do the same. By collectively investing in our friendships, we can ensure that they stand the test of time.
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In summary, friendship audits are not solely about removing toxic individuals but also about reassessing the value of our connections and the time we invest in them. By consciously evaluating our friendships, we can nurture those that truly matter and ensure they thrive.
Keyphrase: Friendship Audits
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