I Was Terrified to Be Alone with My Child, and Too Afraid to Speak Up About It

Last Saturday evening, my partner went to an event in the city for the first time since the pandemic began. After 18 long months of limited social interaction, this felt like a significant milestone. He was thrilled, and I was genuinely happy for him. However, I couldn’t shake my anxiety over COVID-19. He’s vaccinated, and everyone at the gathering would be too, plus it was outdoors. Still, I spent the day discussing safety protocols with him—keeping distance, wearing masks when necessary.

As he left, I anticipated feeling a twinge of worry, but instead, I felt a wave of relief. Unlike me, he thrives on social interaction, and I recognized that this outing would rejuvenate him. Yet, that sense of relief also reminded me of my struggles in the early days of parenthood when I dreaded being left alone with our child at night.

I know it sounds a bit irrational, right? We were both adults and perfectly capable of managing our responsibilities. I should have been fine with him going out occasionally. But during that time, I was grappling with untreated postpartum anxiety, completely unaware of it. When our first child was born, I began experiencing symptoms—obsessive thoughts and sleepless nights—but I attributed it to the challenges of new motherhood and didn’t seek help. At that point, my symptoms weren’t severe, or so I thought.

When our child was about two and a half, everything escalated. I suffered an early miscarriage while my son fainted during a bath. Thankfully, both situations resolved without serious consequences, but they triggered my underlying anxiety. Months of worry, compounded by extreme sleep deprivation, culminated in a near-constant state of anxiety. I began having regular panic attacks, and moments of dissociation only added fuel to the fire.

One of my biggest fears during that time was being left alone with my son, especially at night. He was an exceptionally difficult sleeper. Many toddlers struggle with sleep, but my son was a master at resisting bedtime. He would wake multiple times each night, and getting him to sleep was a major battle, often taking one to two hours of rocking, shushing, and bedtime stories.

While my partner was around, bedtime was manageable. He was a true partner, fully engaged in the nightly routine. In fact, my son often fell asleep more easily with him than with me. The shared effort alleviated much of my anxiety. However, when my partner was away, I felt overwhelmed. I remember a weekend when he attended a college reunion. I almost asked him not to go because the thought of being alone was too much to bear, but I let him leave.

That night, as I arrived home with my son, I stood at the door, fumbling with my keys, my heart racing. I could hardly breathe or open the door, consumed by the realization that I had to manage the entire evening alone with him. This was just one of many similar episodes; each time I faced hours alone with my child, especially at night, fear gripped me.

I loved my son dearly and was fully capable of caring for him, but my anxiety was spiraling. For a long time, I kept my feelings hidden, feeling guilty and ashamed. I thought I should be confident and capable, which only added to my anxiety. Thankfully, I eventually sought help for my postpartum anxiety. Therapy made a significant difference—within weeks, my panic attacks subsided, and my fear of being alone with my son diminished.

I also noticed that my son began to settle into a more manageable bedtime routine around this time. While anxiety can distort reality, having a child who takes hours to sleep is not typical. I was justified in my stress, but my extreme panic during those few nights alone was indeed irrational.

To this day, I haven’t shared the extent of my fear with many people. Even knowing my fears were irrational and that I am a capable mother, I still hesitate to discuss my struggles. However, I understand that many other parents might be feeling the same way. Postpartum anxiety is real and can create feelings of inadequacy that are unfounded.

Many parents face similar fears and anxieties. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the thought of being alone with your child or any other aspect of parenting, know that you are not alone. You are not broken. Please reach out for support. I cannot emphasize this enough.

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Summary:

The author recounts her struggles with postpartum anxiety, particularly her fear of being alone with her child at night. Despite being a capable mother, her anxiety led to panic attacks and overwhelming dread during bedtime routines. After seeking help through therapy, she found relief from her anxiety and learned the importance of reaching out for support. She encourages other parents facing similar fears to recognize they are not alone and emphasizes the need for open conversations about mental health in parenting.

Keyphrase: postpartum anxiety

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