My Son’s Perfectionism Is Holding Him Back

At the start of the school year, my son was assigned a math homework task. He put it off until the very last minute, and when he finally began, he struggled with the final problem. Despite successfully solving all the previous questions, his frustration boiled over, and he erased his work with such force that he ripped his paper.

Later that week, while enjoying a game of basketball, I asked if he wanted to try out for the team. He had been practicing daily, and all his friends were auditioning. Before I could finish my question, he shot down the idea, afraid he might not make the team or perform well if he did.

Both incidents highlight a common thread: my son is a perfectionist. If he can’t achieve something flawlessly, he often chooses not to attempt it at all. While perfectionism can seem admirable at first glance, it can actually be quite harmful. It creates an unending cycle of setting unattainable standards and harsh self-criticism when those standards aren’t met. After all, perfection is an impossible goal to reach.

This mindset leads him to sit on the sidelines rather than participate and to give up instead of taking risks. In his pursuit of perfection, he’s missing out on vital experiences in life. Experts describe perfectionism as a mix of excessively high personal expectations and overly critical self-assessments. Without intervention, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and other health issues—something I desperately want to shield my son from.

The Rise of Perfectionism

Research indicates that perfectionism is increasing among children and young adults. By adolescence, about 25-30% of kids display “maladaptive perfectionism,” which means they strive for an unrealistic ideal that ultimately causes distress. Even more children grow up with a less harmful form of perfectionism, which still poses risks for future mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

Several factors contribute to the rise of perfectionism, including genetics. According to Dr. Alex Morgan, a child development expert at a local university, perfectionism can be inherited. (I can’t help but feel a bit guilty since I, too, am a perfectionist by nature. I’ve learned to suppress the part of me that demands impossible standards, but it remains a struggle.) Additionally, societal pressures and the influence of social media exacerbate these tendencies. Children may feel shame if they don’t keep up with their peers, as highlighted in a New York Times article by Dr. Morgan.

What Can We Do?

Understanding perfectionism is crucial, but the pressing question is: how can I help my son manage this trait? How can I guide him to quiet the inner voice demanding perfection or avoidance? How can I motivate him to try, even at the risk of failure?

Often, my reassurances fall on deaf ears. I remind him that his teacher values effort over perfection and emphasize that the basketball team’s main goal is to enjoy the game. I make it a point to celebrate his achievements, however small, in real-time.

Yet, he continues to hold back.

Dr. Linda Carter, a child psychologist, offers some valuable advice for parents dealing with perfectionist children, especially when their anxiety escalates. She suggests simply being present. “Their emotions can be overwhelming; if you attempt to intervene too early, they may feel invalidated,” she notes.

After calming down, it’s essential to talk with them. Let your child know that perceived failures are not their fault; everyone encounters setbacks. Dr. Jamie Lee, an educational psychologist, recommends sharing personal experiences of mistakes and struggles to foster openness and vulnerability. “It’s about showing our children that it’s okay to be imperfect,” she explains.

I anticipate a challenging journey ahead. Silencing the part of him that demands perfection is no easy task—I know this from my own experience. However, I believe it is achievable with patience and understanding.

My son is a perfectionist, but he is also so much more. He has a wealth of life ahead of him, and I refuse to let the pursuit of perfection hinder his journey.

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Summary

In summary, my son’s struggle with perfectionism is impacting his ability to engage fully in life. While understanding the roots of his perfectionism is key, it’s essential to foster an environment where he feels safe to try—even if it means failing. With support and openness, I hope to help him navigate this challenging trait, allowing him to embrace all that life has to offer.

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