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As we wrap up the third week of school for my kids, I find myself utterly drained and overwhelmed. My children, however, are flourishing. After being away from the classroom since March 2020, they’re genuinely excited to return. They don’t mind the masks, are overjoyed to be around peers, and so far, haven’t complained much about the schoolwork (at least, not yet!).
While my kids are thriving, I’m struggling. Parenting during a pandemic is inherently stressful, and I’ve been dealing with an anxiety disorder my entire life. I grapple with panic disorder, and one of my biggest triggers is illness, especially when it comes to my loved ones.
So, to put it plainly, I’m not doing well. Legitimate panic attacks have become a frequent occurrence for me.
The schools are following all the recommended guidelines to mitigate COVID-19, which should give me some comfort. With a mask mandate, improved ventilation, open windows, and properly spaced desks, they’ve managed to keep transmission rates low. However, the reality is that the delta variant is more contagious, and while the protocols are sound in theory, they’re not infallible.
Every day presents new anxieties. Just this past Monday, I received a call from the school psychologist informing me that my unvaccinated fourth grader had been visiting the nurse’s office too often. I know he tends to do this when he feels overwhelmed or wants to avoid schoolwork. The psychologist expressed concern about the frequency of visits and how we could help him develop healthier coping strategies. He also pointed out that the nurse’s office isn’t the best place for him during the pandemic.
“Today, two kids were in there with fevers while your son was waiting to speak with the nurse about his stomach ache,” the psychologist said. Cue the panic.
In an instant, my mind raced to the worst-case scenario: “Well, I guess he has COVID.” I spiraled into anxiety, sweating and racing to the bathroom multiple times.
Eventually, I gathered myself and reached out to the school nurse for clarification. She reassured me that only one child had a fever in the nurse’s office when my son was there, and that child had already been sent home with a negative COVID test. My son later told me he was only in the nurse’s office for about 30 seconds before being asked to leave due to overcrowding.
Crisis averted, right? But later that day, my older son mentioned a classmate who had coughed for a full five minutes. Naturally, my anxiety flared up again. (It’s been five days since then, and thankfully, no one in his school has tested positive for COVID, and my son seems fine.)
Not every day brings two major scares like that Monday, but it always feels like there’s something looming. Since school began, I’ve received multiple notifications about positive COVID cases among students and staff. My kids have observed instances of teachers and classmates improperly wearing masks, and every morning, there’s at least one child on the bus with their mask below their nose.
And let’s not forget that kids sneeze and cough for various reasons—how am I supposed to relax?
I know I need to get a grip. These triggers will continue throughout the school year. I have coping strategies in place: a therapist, breathing techniques, supportive friends, and positive self-talk.
I recognize that sending my kids to school is the best decision right now. My husband and I are vaccinated, as is our teenager. Logically, I understand that the school’s safety measures are effective and that it’s unlikely (though not impossible) for my children to contract COVID.
However, as tempting as it is to keep my kids in the safety of our home, I know that isolation isn’t what’s best for them. After 18 months of limited social interaction, they need to connect with others for their mental well-being.
We’ve flipped roles in a way—while my kids are doing better, my anxiety has worsened. I hope that over time, I’ll adjust. Perhaps I’ll learn to stay calm whenever I see a mask slip on the bus or remember that, no matter what, my family will likely be okay.
But for now, navigating this reality is incredibly challenging. I’m not cut out for pandemic schooling, and I find myself longing for a return to normalcy.
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