6 Key Indicators of Parental Alienation — More Common Than You Think

It’s rare to hear about amicable divorces or breakups, and for good reason; the likelihood of both partners being aligned during such a tumultuous time seems rather far-fetched. While there are the occasional tales of effective co-parenting, they stand out like a beacon in a sea of contentious separations. I once overheard a story during a fitness class that exemplified this rare success. In my limited circle, such harmonious breakups would account for a mere 0.2% of all the divorces I’ve encountered or discussed, a figure that likely exaggerates the reality of “successful” separations.

On the flip side, stories of chaotic breakups are all too real. From dramatic scenes of clothes being tossed out of windows to the numerous no-contact orders issued annually, the spectrum of conflict is broad. When children enter the fray, they’re often caught in a tug-of-war between parents. Sometimes both sides engage in the struggle, but often one parent strategically uses the child as a pawn. This behavior, termed parental alienation, occurs when one parent (the alienating parent, or AP) seeks to undermine the relationship between the child and the other parent (the targeted parent, or TP) for their own gain. This dynamic is described as a “game” with the singular aim of securing the child’s exclusive affection by dismantling their bond with the TP.

The prevalence of parental alienation is startling. A study spanning 12 years revealed that 86% of 1,000 cases involved some form of parental manipulation aimed at instilling negative perceptions of the other parent, intending to alienate the child from them. Divorce attorney and author, Laura Greene, sheds light on this issue in her book “Divorced? Now What?” She notes that the alienator often exhibits manipulative behavior during the marriage, planting seeds of doubt about the other parent even before the split. As the relationship deteriorates, these actions can intensify.

Six Major Signs of Parental Alienation

The tactics employed by the AP can range from subtle to overtly manipulative, resembling cult-like brainwashing. Here are six major signs of parental alienation:

Badmouthing the Target Parent: Alienating parents may directly criticize the TP, saying things like “your mother is insane” or “your father is a drunk.” More often, however, this criticism is couched in believable narratives, such as, “I’d love to do this for you, but your father doesn’t give us enough money,” leading the child to harbor resentment towards the TP.
Restricting Contact: The AP frequently obstructs the TP’s access to the child. They may violate custody agreements or schedule conflicting activities during the TP’s visitation time. Additionally, they might interrupt visits with unnecessary phone calls or texts, making it harder for the child to bond with the TP.
Confiding in the Child: The AP may share sensitive information about the parents’ financial or legal issues, positioning themselves as the victim. This often leads the child to feel protective of the AP while resenting the TP.
Implying Danger from the TP: Alienators can twist benign interactions into something threatening. For example, an innocent kiss goodnight might be framed as inappropriate behavior. If the TP tries to defend themselves, the AP may claim the TP is instigating conflict, further alienating the child from their other parent.
Using the Child as a Spy: The AP may encourage the child to snoop on the TP, promising them rewards or fulfilling desires in exchange for information, leading to feelings of guilt and discomfort when around the TP.
Undermining the TP’s Authority: The AP may actively work to diminish the TP’s authority by openly contradicting their rules or encouraging the child to call the TP by their first name. Such actions reinforce the AP’s position as the “preferred” parent, and the child may start viewing the TP as less important.

Children caught in these manipulative tactics often become unwitting participants in the alienation campaign. This phenomenon, known as parental alienation syndrome, can lead to a profound dislike for the TP, with children developing negative attitudes that persist into adulthood. Research indicates that these children may struggle with relationships, panic in the face of conflict, and exhibit a tendency to avoid responsibility.

The long-term consequences of parental alienation syndrome can be severe, potentially leading to depression and substance abuse as the child grows older. Alarmingly, they may replicate the alienating behaviors of the AP in their own parenting, creating a cycle of alienation that could last generations. It raises the question—did the alienator ever consider the fallout of damaging their child’s relationship with the TP? Should they later realize the harm caused, would they feel remorse, or would they continue to blame the TP?

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In summary, parental alienation is a distressing phenomenon characterized by manipulative tactics that alienate children from one parent. The signs can range from badmouthing and limiting contact to undermining authority and using children as spies. The long-term effects on children can lead to significant emotional and social challenges, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction that can last a lifetime.

Keyphrase: Signs of parental alienation

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