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No One Prepared Me for My Tween’s Emotional Turbulence
by Emily Carter
Aug. 23, 2021
Recently, my tween was sulking in the kitchen, slamming things and sighing dramatically. I rolled my eyes, turned to him, and asked, “What’s wrong?” (in my calmest tone, which was definitely forced). The issue? His beloved mechanical pencil—yes, that’s apparently a big deal—was out of lead. I gathered all my patience and replied, “Can’t you just refill it?”
That was a huge mistake. This ignited a meltdown. Apparently, we were out of mechanical pencil lead, the sky was falling, and my tween despised everyone and everything. I tried to propose a simple fix: I’d make sure to order more pencil lead the next time we did a drive-up store run. You’d think this would bring some relief, but no. Instead, my child erupted. It was hard to tell if hormones, anxiety, entitlement, fatigue, or a mix of all of them was at play, but I really wish someone had given me a heads-up about how emotionally volatile tweens can be.
Understanding the Tween Phase
Let’s get straight to the point. If you don’t have a tween yet but know you will soon, here’s what you need to understand: everything is a challenge for them. If you’re already parenting a tween, you might share my frustration that no one warned us that it’s not just the teen years we should be concerned about; the tween phase comes first—and it’s no cakewalk.
Tweens are typically aged between eight or nine and twelve years old. This phase is wild. One moment, they’re a child, perhaps rediscovering a toy they haven’t touched in ages. The next moment, they’re demanding more responsibility, more stuff, more freedom—more, more, more. Yet, they can also have a complete meltdown over the smallest things. Case in point: running out of lead in their favorite mechanical pencil.
Trying to reason with a tween is nearly impossible. We have at least five hundred pencils at home. We even have other mechanical pencils with lead. Yet, asking if they can swap lead from one pencil to another is asking for too much.
The Emotional Roller Coaster
Tweens ride an emotional roller coaster while navigating the early stages of puberty. Their brains and bodies are in constant conflict, leading to moments of forgetfulness about basic tasks they mastered as toddlers. One second they’re totally focused, and the next, they’re blowing up over something I wouldn’t have even noticed before.
I can’t count how many times I’ve asked, “Why did you do that?” For instance, why wear boots to school in August on PE day? Or why argue with your three-year-old sibling to the point of slapping hands? Or why leave the water running after washing your hands?
I’ve discovered that asking “why” is pointless. They genuinely don’t know the reasons behind their actions. Often, they’ll even deny doing them. Some of this denial may stem from embarrassment, but I often feel that my tween is completely unaware of their behavior.
Strategies for Navigating Tween Turbulence
We can all agree that the tween years are no joke. So, what can we do about it? We could join in their chaos by yelling back, being sarcastic, or punishing them—but based on my experience, that’s ineffective. You can’t punish a child into faster brain development. Sarcasm is perceived as teasing, which only infuriates a tween. While it might feel good to clap back, it doesn’t lead to any meaningful outcome.
First, understand that tweens being tweens is completely normal. They aren’t mini-adults. They are still figuring things out, even as their bodies and brains push them to act older. This stage is one of the most confusing in life. The sooner we adults can maintain our composure and work with (rather than against) our tweens, the better. This begins with accepting that they are often on the struggle bus.
Another useful strategy is reassuring my tween that their feelings and experiences are entirely normal. I remember telling my tween this, and he responded, “Really?” He wasn’t being disrespectful; tweens are aware that a lot is happening inside of them. They need to know that they’re going through a completely normal phase in life, and that we support them.
I’ve also started making lists for the tasks my tweens struggle with consistently. They don’t listen to half of what I say, no matter how often I repeat it. Lists can be incredibly helpful for a tween (like most of them) who lacks executive functioning skills. For instance, hanging a list on the bathroom mirror increases the chances of tasks getting done. Also, help them prepare in advance instead of scrambling at the last minute. Lay out clothes, backpacks, masks, and charge their phones the night before to avoid panic when the bus arrives.
Next, focus on rewards instead of punishment. Help your tween work towards a goal rather than trying to discipline them out of a behavior. For example, our tween has trouble saving money and then gets upset when he doesn’t have enough for what he wants. We decided to incentivize him: if he saves his allowance for two months, we’ll add some extra cash. So far, it’s been a success.
Despite their behavior hinting at the rebellion of the teen years to come, tweens still require firm, consistent boundaries. One of my son’s classmates has parents who enforce few rules, and as a result, that child is a mess. They challenge authority figures and appear disrespectful, but really, they’re just seeking the adult attention they lack at home. Having clear boundaries sets kids up for success, especially when they have support.
Remember, our tweens aren’t teens or young adults yet. They’re not equipped with the cognitive skills to solve every problem independently. Even the most obvious situations can be challenging for them.
Parents, tweens need us—desperately—even when they act like we’re the biggest idiots whose only goal is to embarrass them. The tween years are a great opportunity to discuss situations, listen to their thoughts, and offer help when things get overwhelming. Sometimes, they just want to vent—and that’s perfectly fine too.
Lastly, get creative with how you communicate. If you’ve had a tween, you know the struggle of dealing with grunts, shrugs, or eye rolls. I’ve found that playful communication, whether through a journal, texting, or lying in bed chatting, leads to better conversations than confrontational discussions. The more relaxed you both are, the smoother the conversation flows. Don’t wait for problems to arise; ask open-ended questions that align with your kid’s interests and engage with their world.
Even when we do everything right, our tween will have tough days. That’s just part of growing up. There are definitely times I’d prefer to walk away or clap back instead of engaging in their emotional turmoil, but I recognize that the tween years are a training ground for both us and our child. We need to be present and engaged for the sake of our relationship with them.
For more insights on navigating these challenges, check out this post from one of our other blogs. Additionally, if you’re looking for authoritative guidance, Make A Mom is an excellent resource on home insemination. You can also find great information at March of Dimes regarding pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Navigating the tween years can be tumultuous, filled with emotional ups and downs. It’s essential for parents to understand that this phase is normal and to approach it with patience and support. Tweens often struggle with basic tasks and emotional regulation, so providing structure, lists, and a reward system can help. Open communication, creativity in interactions, and consistent boundaries are key to fostering a supportive environment during this confusing time.
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