Marriage and Parenting: The Truth Behind the ‘Good’ Relationships

I have a solid marriage. Happy and fulfilling. My partner treats me well, and I reciprocate. As a singer might say, “the foundation is strong.” We are blessed with three children, all of whom we envisioned having. This is the family we always wanted: two adults, three kids, and a couple of dogs. We asked for this life, and we got it.

But I won’t shy away from saying that even with a “good” marriage, the combination of being married and raising kids is challenging.

Anyone who claims that managing the daily responsibilities of parenting while trying to maintain a healthy relationship doesn’t come with a multitude of challenges is simply not being honest. You won’t convince me otherwise. Alongside the beautiful and rewarding aspects of nurturing children, there are plenty of tedious, exasperating, and stressful moments. It’s unrealistic to ignore the impact that parenting stress can have on a marriage. That’s just not true.

Can’t we maintain an honest dialogue about the realities of marriage and parenting? It should be commonplace to share with friends, family, and even on social media that the years spent raising kids with a partner are a mix of wonderful and tough experiences. Life gets hard, and that’s perfectly normal. We should be able to express this without feeling the need to add disclaimers about how much we cherish our partners or how great they are as parents. The polished image we often present can feel isolating and inauthentic.

Especially on social media—do influencers really believe they’re convincing anyone that, as a couple with three kids, they spend their days doing adorable things like kissing in sunflower fields or getting matching wrist tattoos that say something like “To Infinity” and “And Beyond?” In reality, we’re all busy with diaper changes, slathering on sunscreen, air-frying chicken nuggets, and grumbling about full trash cans. Let’s be real.

It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “We’re dealing with some tough marriage stuff right now,” without feeling the need to compile a list of all the things we love about our partner beforehand. The difficulties are universal for a multitude of reasons.

Marriage and kids can be financially taxing. My partner serves in the military, while I work as a freelance writer. Our careers don’t exactly lead to riches. We manage well and have what we need, but there’s often little left for extras, much less activities that could strengthen our marriage.

Spontaneous weekend getaways to reconnect? Not in our budget. Booking a hotel room or hiring a sitter for an extravagant night out? That’s a luxury we can’t afford. We navigate our challenges together at home, amid the chaos. Sometimes that means our struggles might linger or become more complicated, and that’s perfectly okay.

Kids also make it hard to consistently put your marriage first. I can’t always be the partner I want to be because time is often limited. While keeping my marriage healthy is a priority, urgent needs from our kids come first. I can’t ignore a dirty diaper, a fever, or a stack of school forms to have quality time with my spouse. Our children need meals, rides, baths, and playtime with us. We have to oversee chores, prepare school outfits, and maintain a semblance of order at home. Even an ordinary day can be overwhelming when you’re focused on keeping kids happy and healthy.

We can’t always sit down to resolve every disagreement or frustration immediately. We tackle the big issues and let the little ones slide. Even when there’s time, we may not have the mental strength. After the kids are asleep or occupied, I might need to unwind by mindlessly scrolling through social media for a bit. My partner may prefer to finish work or relax with a show. It’s draining to always be productive. At times, we’re just too exhausted to address the small annoyances that crop up throughout the day.

When we’re both busy and tired, sweeping minor issues under the rug becomes necessary. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to address everything. Yes, leaving those small frustrations unaddressed can lead to rough patches, but it doesn’t mean our love has diminished or that we’re contemplating separation. It doesn’t indicate anything significant about the overall health of our marriage.

It’s just the reality when two people navigate something monumental and challenging together. Those minor irritations can accumulate, and perceived imbalances in parenting duties can breed resentment. Life isn’t always a honeymoon phase. Sometimes, when parenting gets chaotic, you just have to dig in, support each other, and when you catch your breath, work through the wrinkles.

I often refer to the months following the birth of a child as the “scratchy patch.” It’s not precisely a rough patch—there’s no real risk of splitting up or falling out of love. But it’s certainly not smooth sailing either. Welcoming a new baby always brings a certain level of stress—scratchy indeed. Even the process of raising those little ones can create tension. It’s rarely marital bliss—and that’s okay.

Almost every marriage experiences strain when kids enter the picture. I’m happy to acknowledge it without feeling the need to defend our relationship or reassure others that we’re not on the brink of divorce during tough times. Even the most loving and stable marriages go through challenges—yours, mine, and even that seemingly perfect couple on Instagram with matching tattoos and picturesque family photos.

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In summary, navigating marriage and parenting is complex, even in what many would consider a “good” relationship. It’s essential to acknowledge the challenges openly, allowing for a more realistic dialogue about the ups and downs that come with raising a family.

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