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When you mention “weaponized incompetence” to any woman, she’ll likely recognize it instantly. Many women are all too familiar with the frustration of seeking equal effort from their male partners, only to be met with claims of incompetence.
“I can’t manage XYZ Household Chore, but you can, so I’ll leave it to you.”
It seems to be a natural tendency for people to do the bare minimum. Perhaps it’s rooted in taking advantage of those who are willing to shoulder the load. This behavior often begins in childhood.
Recently, I assigned my teenage son, Alex, the task of folding laundry while I wrapped up a work project and taught two violin lessons online. My younger daughter, Mia, had the kitchen cleaning duty.
When I finished my lessons, the kitchen sparkled, but the laundry? Not so much. While some clothes were folded, they were thrown together haphazardly. A jumble of shirts made it impossible to distinguish them. The basket still had a mix of underwear, socks, and activewear waiting to be dealt with. The folded clothes were not even sorted by family member—my shorts were mixed with Alex’s items, and Mia’s skirt was confused for mine.
Alex had spent an hour shifting between the piano and the laundry basket, clearly not fully engaged with the chore. I reminded him he couldn’t return to his online activities until the task was complete.
“I’m done,” he declared confidently.
I explained why he was not, in fact, finished. He protested, saying he didn’t know which clothes belonged to whom and how to fold underwear or socks.
You know that moment when frustration boils over? That was me. I told him there was a term for what he was doing: “weaponized incompetence.” I emphasized that it was unacceptable to just give up.
I made him finish folding the clothes he had neglected and to sort through the items he claimed he couldn’t identify. When he confused Mia’s vibrant skirt for mine, I lost my patience even more. No, Alex, you are smarter than this. We won’t entertain this charade.
Finally, he dropped the act—because that’s what it was—and folded the clothes properly, just like I had shown him. Later, we revisited the conversation, and I expressed my hope that he wouldn’t fall into the habit of claiming ignorance to avoid responsibility. I explained that weaponized incompetence is a tactic many men use in relationships and how it can be detrimental. He was skeptical, so I shared evidence and studies showing how often the burden of household tasks falls disproportionately on women. I even showed him comment threads filled with women expressing their frustrations about partners using “not knowing how” as an excuse to avoid contributing to home maintenance.
The concept of weaponized incompetence was fresh in my mind after seeing a TikTok video that illustrated it perfectly. Watching it made my skin crawl, as I’ve dealt with this kind of feigned ignorance before.
While I was angry with Alex for pretending he couldn’t complete the task, I recognize this behavior is typical for a teenager testing boundaries. He’s generally a great kid—thoughtful and helpful. However, it’s disheartening to see adults engage in similar behavior.
Weaponized incompetence can manifest in any relationship—friendships, workplaces, or family dynamics. Yet, research and numerous anecdotes indicate it’s particularly common in heterosexual romantic relationships, often perpetuated by men.
“I can’t cook,” a man might say, as if culinary skills are unattainable. Or “I keep ruining your sweaters; guess I’m just terrible at laundry!” Their proposed solution? To stop trying altogether.
So how can couples address weaponized incompetence? Many articles suggest women simply spell out their needs when it comes to household responsibilities, as if men are incapable of figuring it out independently. However, I believe the solution lies in raising our expectations.
Weaponized incompetence isn’t about actual inability. It’s more about laziness and exploitation.
“Can you handle grocery shopping this week?” “Will you tell me what we need?” “No, part of grocery shopping is checking the fridge and pantry to see what we need. I know you can figure this out.”
There’s nothing wrong with dividing household responsibilities, but the arrangement must be fair, and both partners must agree. It’s unfair for one person to shirk their duties simply because they claim they’re “not good at” certain tasks.
We’re well into the 21st century now; it’s time to expect equal participation. No excuses. If someone genuinely struggles with a task, that’s what resources like YouTube are for. Learn, adapt, and contribute.
For more insights on home insemination, check out this related article that dives deeper into the nuances of shared responsibilities and support. If you’re interested in home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom for expert guidance. For further reading on pregnancy-related topics, Healthline offers an excellent resource on IVF and related procedures.
Summary
Weaponized incompetence is a frustrating dynamic many women encounter in relationships, where partners feign ignorance to avoid responsibility. It’s essential to recognize and address this behavior, setting higher expectations for shared household duties and ensuring equitable participation.
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