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Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Years have gone by since I last held my son, Noah. He passed away due to complications from necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), a heartbreaking intestinal illness, just shy of his first birthday. When Noah died in the Pediatric ICU, we left the hospital with his belongings in a plastic bag and a lengthy booklet titled “WHEN A BABY DIES.”
I wanted to toss that booklet into the flames because it felt deeply traumatic and disconnected from my reality. Reading about child loss was the last thing I wanted to do in that moment. Even now, I have never opened it.
My journey through grief has been filled with both growth and pain. Although it hasn’t been easy, I’ve discovered a sense of peace. I hope that by sharing these insights, I can offer comfort to other bereaved parents. Here are ten things I wish someone had told me when Noah passed away.
- You will always be your child’s parent.
No matter how much time passes or how empty your arms feel, your child’s existence remains. They are forever a part of your life. - You are not alone.
Sadly, countless bereaved parents understand your pain because they too have lost a child to NEC. The child loss community can be a tremendous support as you navigate the challenging days ahead. - Honor your own grief process.
There is no singular “right way” to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently, so allow yourself the freedom to follow your unique path. Your partner or family members may grieve differently, and that’s perfectly okay. Compassion and understanding are key. - Nature can be a source of comfort.
Taking a stroll in nature or spending time in your garden can provide a soothing escape. Being outdoors may help you process the trauma of losing a child and clarify what you need to move forward with your child in your heart. - You don’t “move on” from child loss.
The loss of your child is profoundly unfair and life-altering. Time does not erase the pain. This is a loss you will never fully “get over.” Your love for your child endures, even in their absence. - Grief, joy, and gratitude can coexist.
It’s natural for conflicting emotions to arise after child loss. Anger, regret, and despair can coexist with joy, gratitude, and hope. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions to better understand how to channel your feelings productively. - Find meaningful ways to honor your child.
Whether small or grand, personal or public, honoring your child can be a meaningful part of your healing process. Crafting art or journaling can serve as powerful tributes that help you find peace. - Certain experiences may trigger strong emotions.
In the days, months, and years ahead, you might encounter situations that evoke intense feelings about your child. Whether it’s a song, a story, or even a scent, these triggers can be sudden and overwhelming. Remember, these emotions arise from the deep love you hold for your child. - Communicate your needs to loved ones.
Help your friends and family understand that no one can replace your child. Share what support you find helpful and what feels hurtful. Those who care often need guidance on how to best comfort you during this difficult time. - You will learn to carry the weight of your loss.
Over time, you will find ways to carry your child in your heart rather than in your arms. It will remain a struggle, but each day you will grow stronger. Lean on the community of families who have experienced similar losses.
Finding peace after losing a child is a challenging journey that may take months or even years. Everyone’s path to healing is unique, even when mourning the same child. While our hearts may remain broken, we can still honor our children by living fully, nurturing each other, and giving back in their memory.
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