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May 28, 2021
As a parent, I never aimed for perfection. Raised in a non-traditional family structure, my brother and I were brought up by a single mother. My father had a diverse family life, with multiple marriages and an assortment of children. Born in Edinburgh, we relocated to Lagos, Nigeria, and later moved to Denton, Texas, where we leaned on my mother’s parents for support. These experiences shaped my perspective on what constitutes a “normal” family, which often seemed more like a punchline than reality.
Television influenced our understanding of family dynamics. Shows like “The Brady Bunch” and “The Cosby Show” introduced us to an idealized version of family life, while “The Simpsons” and “Married with Children” offered a more satirical view. These portrayals revealed our collective longing for normalcy—something that just doesn’t exist in any absolute form. As a result, some of the narratives we cling to about parenting can actually be detrimental to our children and communities.
Myth #1: “You’re So Smart!”
I frequently tell my daughter how intelligent she is or compliment her outfit, often without even looking. I praise her constantly, and my stepdaughter receives similar affirmations. They excel academically, which makes me think I must be doing something right. But research challenges this notion.
Dr. Carol Dweck from Stanford conducted studies revealing that praising children for their intelligence, rather than their effort, can lead to a fixed mindset. When kids believe they are inherently smart, they may shy away from challenges, fearing failure. In contrast, those praised for their effort develop a growth mindset, understanding that persistence and hard work can lead to improvement. So, while it’s important to encourage our kids, we should focus on praising their efforts rather than labeling them as “smart.” Encourage them to embrace challenges and learn from setbacks.
Myth #2: Effective Parenting Requires Constant Supervision
It’s common to hear older generations lament how much easier kids have it today compared to their own childhoods. However, studies showcase that today’s youth are often more compassionate and committed to social justice than past generations.
According to Alfie Kohn in “The Myth of the Spoiled Child,” it’s not overindulgence that harms children but rather excessive control. Our tendency to micromanage can stifle kids’ independence and creativity. The reality is, children thrive when given the space to explore and learn on their own, rather than being constantly monitored.
Myth #3: “You Should Be Ashamed”
Shame has been a powerful, often toxic force in society. In “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” John Bradshaw differentiates between healthy and toxic shame. While a certain level of shame can foster humility, when it becomes a core part of one’s identity, it can lead to feelings of unworthiness.
For example, a child can learn healthy boundaries through the experience of shame, but if they internalize it as a reflection of their character, it becomes toxic. This can create a false self that hides their true identity to avoid the pain of shame. We need to guide our children to understand that mistakes are part of life and that they are inherently valuable, irrespective of their actions.
The Takeaway
As parents, it’s essential to acknowledge that perfection is unattainable. The idea of a “normal” family is merely a myth, often perpetuated by media and societal expectations. By questioning these assumptions and embracing a more nuanced understanding of parenting, we can foster healthier, more resilient children.
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Summary:
This article challenges three common parenting myths: the idea that children should be praised for their intelligence, the belief that effective parenting requires constant supervision, and the damaging effects of shame. Emphasizing the importance of fostering a growth mindset, encouraging independence, and distinguishing between healthy and toxic shame, it advocates for a more flexible and understanding approach to parenting.
Keyphrase: Parenting Myths
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