Letting Go is Challenging When Your Child Eagerly Seeks Independence

pregnant woman sitting on bed in blue dress with coffee mug

As we stepped out of the college bookstore, my 17-year-old son, Jake, exclaimed, “It’s so hot! Where on earth is Dad?” Clearly, he was feeling the heat and frustration as he searched for his father, who had wandered off.

“Did you see him?” I asked gently, trying to tread lightly on the raw emotions that had surfaced since this morning.

“No, I didn’t!” he snapped back. “This heat is unbearable!”

“Why don’t you go outside and cool off?” I suggested in the most soothing tone I could muster. We were just two days into our campus visit, and he was already feeling overwhelmed and irritable.

“No, I don’t want to!” he shot back, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Of course, he didn’t want to make things easier for himself, I thought. My younger son, Leo, had always been a handful, showing his rebellious spirit from the age of two when he almost got expelled from preschool for head-butting classmates and being a general troublemaker. Not much had changed since then.

Despite my instinct to protect him from his own frustrations, I felt compelled to impart some wisdom. “I just want you to learn how to manage little annoyances and focus on the bright side. We’re at your dream school, touring the campus, and we even bought you some cool gear,” I added, reminding him of our sacrifices.

Silence fell between us. That last comment seemed to hit a nerve. After all, Jake was my fiery one—the kind of kid who could turn a minor inconvenience into a major drama.

“Well, when it’s hot for you in a store, you always say, ‘I’ve got to get out of here!’” he retorted. “How is that different from my complaints?”

I took the bait, unfortunately. “Fine, I complained about a hot flash in the bookstore, but you didn’t hear me whining about it, did you?” I defended myself. Maybe we were more alike than I cared to admit.

My husband, who often played the mediator, chimed in, “Well, your mother’s situation is a bit different…”

“How?” Jake shot back. “Really, how?!” He went on to point out how we both let minor irritations get to us. He was right. We shared that trait, possibly explaining why I struggled to remain calm during our arguments.

I’d always been a bit of a pessimist, easily bothered by the small stuff, but over the years, I’d worked hard to cultivate a more positive outlook. I knew Jake hadn’t made the same effort, and I felt responsible for that. I had essentially created a perfect world for him. As the second child, he got special treatment, whether it was cooking him his favorite chicken nuggets or cleaning up after him.

Both of my boys had been the center of my universe because I hadn’t experienced that kind of attention growing up. My own childhood struggles with alcoholism and mental health issues had shaped my parenting philosophy. I wanted to ensure they felt loved and prioritized. But in doing so, I worried I had coddled Jake too much, especially in terms of his eating habits and independence.

As we left the store, I said, “I just wish you had some coping skills to deal with the little stuff.” I could feel the heat rising in my face from yet another hot flash, grateful for the breeze outside.

“Oh, okay,” he replied, keeping his responses minimal as usual. “Sometimes you just annoy me.”

“Well, you annoy me too sometimes,” I chuckled lightly in an attempt to ease the tension. “That’s just family life—we can annoy each other, but we still love each other.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he muttered, seemingly distracted as we headed to the field house for our next activity. I wiped the sweat from my brow and pondered why I was so on edge. Then it dawned on me—unlike my older son, Jake didn’t seem to enjoy spending time with us. He relished his independence, having chosen a school 11 hours away. Was that intentional? What if he decided to stay there permanently? The thought of him not returning home was a realization of my greatest fears about letting him go.

But that’s life, right? You do everything you can for your children, then let them go. It’s not easy, and it’s not what you signed up for, but you keep pushing forward, hoping one day they’ll find their way back to you.

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Summary:

Letting go of your child as they seek independence can be an emotionally challenging experience for parents. The struggle of balancing support while encouraging self-sufficiency is a common theme among families navigating this transitional phase. As children grow, it’s essential to develop coping strategies to manage life’s annoyances, promoting positive growth for both the parent and child.

Keyphrase: “letting go of your child”

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