The Struggles of Living as a Closeted Gay Person

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

I’m here, I’m queer, yet I still find it challenging to accept this reality. Just writing these words fills me with anxiety. My heart races, and there’s a constriction in my chest — it feels like a vice is squeezing me. I can sense a panic attack brewing. I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself, but it’s not shame about my identity that causes this reaction. I proudly identify as a gay woman who came to terms with my sexuality last year during a pandemic, amidst curfews and lockdowns. The real source of my distress is the fact that I live a largely hidden life, and the burden of secrecy is suffocating.

To clarify, a few people know about my sexual orientation. I’ve opened up to my partner, my sister, my best friend, and my sister-in-law. My therapist and psychiatrist are also aware. Sharing this part of myself was crucial; I couldn’t begin to process my feelings without letting them in. They have supported me through dark days when I felt broken. Yet, outside of this small circle, my truth remains concealed. Living in the shadows is an isolating experience.

I often find myself overwhelmed, battling anxiety and discomfort. At times, I cope with alcohol, indulging in a glass or two too many. I worry incessantly about how my secret might impact my loved ones. Will my family still accept me if they know I’m gay? Will I lose their love and support? These questions haunt me as I grapple with the teachings of my Catholic upbringing, which emphasized traditional paths of love, marriage, and family. Although these elements are part of my identity, I’m uncertain how they will shift when I finally come out.

I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Millions face similar challenges regarding their sexuality. Research from the Yale School of Public Health reveals that around 83% of individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientation hidden from most or all people in their lives. Articles in outlets such as Psychiatric Times highlight that many LGBTQ individuals experience significant difficulty in acknowledging their sexuality, often leading to a lifetime of concealment.

The consequences of living in the closet can be severe, often resulting in chronic mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Studies have shown that those who are closeted may separate their sexual feelings from their identities, leading to a double life filled with distress. Many find themselves battling feelings of sadness, self-loathing, and, in some cases, substance abuse, as well as thoughts of suicide.

I’ve felt the weight of these thoughts myself. It’s been a month since I last contemplated ending my life.

However, it’s essential to remember that you don’t have to accept the shame or silence. Help is available, from therapy to support groups tailored for LGBTQ individuals. If you or someone you know is struggling with their identity or experiencing thoughts of self-harm, resources like GLAAD, The Trevor Project, and the LGBT National Helpline can provide assistance.

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To sum up, the experience of living as a closeted gay person can be fraught with anxiety and fear. While the journey of self-acceptance is complex and often painful, it’s essential to seek support and recognize that there is hope for a brighter future.

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