My son has never shared a particularly strong connection with his father. When he was just a baby, we moved from California back to my hometown in New York to be closer to my family. As a new mom, I craved that familial support. Initially, his father and I tried to maintain a long-distance relationship, hoping to eventually reunite as a family.
During my son’s early years, I often recorded videos of him to send to his dad, allowing him to witness our son’s growth. As my son matured and began to understand the situation, we started video chatting. Months passed, turning into a year, then two. It took time for me to stabilize my finances enough to consider a cross-country move. By the time I could make that dream a reality, my romantic relationship with his father had ended.
Regardless of our personal situation, I recognized that moving remained essential for my son’s development. His father was eager and ready to be involved in his life. Although I felt apprehensive, I knew I had to take this leap of faith.
The Challenges of Co-Parenting
Co-parenting can be incredibly challenging, especially with a young child and from a distance. You can’t simply send a toddler on a plane alone to visit their parent across the country. You have to put in a significant amount of effort to be actively involved in their life. My ex was decent with communication, but certainly not flawless. In-person visits were infrequent, as flying from NYC to LA is prohibitively expensive. Often, I was the one traveling due to my more flexible work schedule. Yet, the exhaustion of flying cross-country with a toddler is a different kind of challenge.
When my schedule got too hectic, it took a year for him to visit, and it was a brief stay. I know it’s not ideal, but while he was great with FaceTime, consistency was lacking. Yes, it’s tough to video chat with a young child, but if you commit to being present in their life, you adapt to the circumstances.
At times, my son didn’t want to chat with his dad; he simply wanted him to watch him play, just like the other adults in his life. He thought that was normal behavior, making it difficult for him to understand why his father wouldn’t just sit back and observe. Eventually, they found games to play together over video chat, making their interactions more engaging and enjoyable.
Preparing for the Move
As I prepared for the move, I established clear boundaries and communicated them to my ex before booking our tickets. I needed him to be aligned with my expectations, and if he disagreed, he still had to understand my perspective so we could collaborate effectively for the benefit of our son.
My number one rule? No backing out. My son is at an age where he notices everything. If promises are made, he remembers them and expects them to be kept. His memory is impeccable. I couldn’t have someone in and out of his life, breaking promises and leaving him heartbroken. I emphasized the importance of reliability, and his father assured me he would prioritize being present.
Settling on the West Coast
We made the move, and now we’re settled on the West Coast. My ex has made an effort to be available for our son as much as his job allows. He even came to see us the night we arrived, just to give our son a goodnight hug before heading to work. It’s crucial for them to have their own time together to bond, so I step away for a little while to let them connect without me. We were both anxious about how my son would react, but they’ve been having a wonderful time together, and he always feels sad when his dad has to leave.
They’ve already developed their own inside jokes and favorite activities. Watching them together reminds me of how similar they are, and it’s clear they genuinely enjoy each other’s company. This kind of bonding would have been impossible at a distance, and my son is thriving.
Overcoming Skepticism
People close to me were skeptical about this move and the trust I was placing in my ex to co-parent effectively. My ex hasn’t always shown the best judgment, and those around me have witnessed that journey. However, he simply wasn’t ready to be a dad in the beginning, and it took me a long time to come to terms with that. Over the past four years, we’ve had our share of arguments and hurt feelings. But as I began to see him for who he really is, rather than who I wished he could be, I realized we could navigate this co-parenting relationship together. There will always be new challenges, but my son’s well-being is my priority, and I made this decision for him. So far, it seems to be a positive choice, and I’m feeling hopeful about what lies ahead.
Additional Resources
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Summary
Relocating across the country allowed me to prioritize my son’s relationship with his father. Despite the challenges of co-parenting and long-distance communication, we’ve made strides in fostering a bond between them. My decision, made with my son’s best interests at heart, is proving fruitful, and I remain optimistic about what our future holds.