Lifestyle
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One of my earliest memories is of an adult telling me I had lovely, long legs. I was about five years old, sitting on a bench with my short, sun-kissed legs stretched out before me. That moment is so vivid; I recall feeling at ease in my body until I heard that comment. I looked down at my legs and suddenly perceived them differently. They transformed from mere limbs that helped me navigate the world into objects that could earn me validation. My young mind took note: “Long” legs are desirable.
My grandmother would often tell me I was one of the most beautiful kids ever to walk the Earth. But, isn’t that what all grandparents say about their grandchildren? I also participated in beauty pageants from a young age and later joined a cheerleading squad. Beauty was a recurring theme in my life, often discussed without much thought. I was frequently told I was pretty. Before hitting puberty, my father’s friends would make inappropriate comments about my looks. The overwhelming praise I received for my appearance made the thought of not being pretty absolutely terrifying.
To clarify, based on the beauty standards of the time, I was not an exceptionally attractive child. Adults worried about children’s self-esteem and believed that complimenting their looks would boost their confidence. Many readers may have undergone a similar barrage of appearance-focused compliments (or criticisms) during their childhood. As children of the ‘80s, ‘90s, or ‘00s, we were bombarded with societal beauty norms that dictated what was considered beautiful: white, thin, tall, symmetrical, and flawless.
Now, as I approach middle age, I find myself frustrated at how much time I wasted fixating on my looks. I feel ashamed of ever taking pride in my appearance. Even now, I sometimes spend valuable moments feeling disheartened by the signs of aging on my face. For decades, my relatively attractive face brought me approval from others. As it begins to sag, I question how I can possibly love myself regardless of my appearance. What a foolish mindset to have.
We must strive for better—for ourselves and for future generations. It’s heartening to witness social movements advocating for a broader definition of beauty. Beauty can take many forms, encompassing all sizes, shapes, and colors. However, we must be cautious not to anchor our compliments in physical appearance. Beauty is fleeting, subjective, and arbitrary. Tying a person’s self-confidence or worth to their looks confuses their identity with their beauty, which should not be intertwined.
Complimenting someone on their weight loss implies an expectation about their body shape. Does their body shape become a part of their identity? Who are they if they gain weight? What if they are unwell or battling an eating disorder? Praising how youthful someone looks emphasizes “looking young” and can make individuals wary of aging. Complimenting someone’s hair can lead to an identity tied to “good hair,” creating anxiety if they lose their hair for any reason.
Beauty simply doesn’t hold true significance. It’s transient and unrelated to a person’s true essence.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t offer compliments. Nor does it imply we can’t ever acknowledge someone’s looks. Compliments are appropriate for special occasions or when someone is particularly striking.
It’s worth mentioning that I am a white woman sharing my perspective on how beauty standards have impacted my self-image. While I may not have fit the dominant beauty ideals of my youth, the images I saw in advertisements and media largely resembled me. I will never fully grasp the experience of individuals who face beauty standards that don’t reflect their identity.
A powerful piece by Alex Carter on Huffpost highlighted the importance of parents affirming the beauty of their Black children. My children are half Brazilian. While most of my compliments focus on their non-physical traits, when I do mention their looks, I often highlight aspects that reflect their rich heritage. It’s crucial for them to embrace their beautiful background and its influence on their appearance, especially in a culture that remains predominantly white-washed, despite the progress we see.
Like all parents, I genuinely believe my kids are stunning, making it hard not to rave about their beauty. I also feel the same about my partner and friends; I want to shower them with compliments about their looks. Yet, I consciously strive to acknowledge my loved ones for qualities beyond appearance. I focus on their energy, passions, determination, creativity, and how they make me feel.
- “You have a joyful smile.”
- “Your laugh is the best thing ever.”
- “You light up a room.”
- “You’re fierce, and I admire that.”
- “I’m inspired by your strength.”
- “Your tenacity amazes me.”
- “I appreciate how safe I feel with you.”
- “You have a calming presence.”
- “Your creativity shines through!”
- “It’s evident you put in a lot of effort.”
- “Your makeup skills are impressive.”
- “Your organizational talents are top-notch.”
- “Your outfit is so unique—love your style!”
- “You always come up with the best ideas.”
- “I admire how you view the world.”
- “I’m grateful to have you in my life.”
- “You’re unstoppable.”
- “You’re genuinely kind.”
These examples illustrate that our energy and contributions to the world hold far more value than our physical appearance. We will all benefit from shifting the focus from looks to the meaningful aspects of our identities—the ways we enrich our communities and how we impact those around us. These qualities are what endure over time.
To explore more on this topic, check out this article on film analysis. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, visit Make A Mom for top-notch information. For additional resources on pregnancy, see the CDC’s website.
Summary
Non-physical compliments hold immense significance as they help us recognize the intrinsic qualities that define a person beyond their appearance. Emphasizing attributes such as creativity, resilience, and kindness fosters a greater sense of self-worth that is not tied to fleeting beauty standards. By shifting our focus from looks to meaningful contributions, we can encourage a healthier self-image for ourselves and future generations.
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