Rediscovering the Journey of Grief: Moving Forward, Not Moving On

I’ve lost track of how many thoughtful friends have sent me Nora McInerny’s TED Talk, where she shares her experiences as the founder of the Hot Young Widows Club. (If you haven’t heard of this club, consider yourself fortunate. Despite its playful name, it’s a group no one wishes to join. The price of admission is devastating loss, not youth or beauty.) In her talk, Nora emphasizes that we don’t simply move on from our grief; instead, we carry it with us as we move forward.

“A person who is grieving will laugh again and find joy again,” she states in her TED Talk. “They will progress, but that doesn’t mean they have left their grief behind.”

The message is straightforward enough. I’ve been a widow for 1,138 days, and I’ve been familiar with grief even longer, starting from the moment the doctors told me my husband had limited time left. I began grieving the life we would never share. After all this time, I thought I understood what it meant to move forward with grief rather than moving on.

Just a few days ago, I would have confidently said I was progressing in my grief journey. Over the last three years, I purchased a new home, embarked on a couple of new careers, and even started dating again. I was allowing myself to experience joy and sadness on significant dates, saying my husband’s name, and remembering both the good and bad moments of our life together. I believed I was following Nora’s advice: moving forward while keeping my grief close.

However, I wasn’t truly moving forward. Each day, as I watched others advance in their lives, I felt increasingly stagnant.

This past weekend, the man I’m dating—let’s call him Jake—invited me to take my kids on a hike with him and his son. I eagerly accepted for two reasons: I wanted to give my kids a break from their screens, and I was grappling with a lingering wave of grief that I hoped the fresh air would alleviate.

I assumed “hike” meant a leisurely stroll along a familiar path, so I wore my platform sneakers, thinking I’d be fine. However, about seven minutes into our walk, Jake veered off the path and began climbing uphill through the trees. My kids and I followed, unaware of what lay ahead.

Before long, we were leaping over rocks to cross streams, climbing over boulders with the help of tree branches, and squeezing through narrow stone passages. I was unsteady and lost, but eventually, we found ourselves standing atop a waterfall, gazing down at the hikers below who took the well-trodden route—the path I had always known.

In that moment, amidst my grief, a scraped knee from a rough tree branch, and the dizzying height, the phrase “moving forward with grief” clicked into place for me. I had mastered the “with grief” part, but I realized I had misunderstood what “moving forward” truly meant.

I thought moving forward was about keeping busy and checking off tasks. I had moved houses, started new careers, and even ventured into dating. But when I reflected on my actions, I realized they hadn’t truly taken me forward. I had merely shifted within my comfort zone, remaining in a life I had built with my husband, even though he was gone.

It wasn’t until I took an unexpected turn into the unknown that I understood “moving forward” involves more than just surviving after loss. While finding joy again is essential, it also means recognizing that the path ahead looks vastly different than it did before, and allowing myself to mourn that reality. It’s about letting go of what no longer fits and fully embracing a new life. Sometimes, it even means taking a chance on an unfamiliar route—platform sneakers and all.

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In summary, moving forward with grief means reassessing what progress looks like and embracing the changes that come with it. It’s about finding new paths while still honoring the journey of loss.

Keyphrase: Moving forward with grief
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