A Fellow Mom Asked Me About Expanding Her Family––Here’s What I Didn’t Share

Trigger warning: child loss

It’s best to avoid asking a woman when she plans to have another child. Or any child, for that matter. And please, never suggest a timeline for such a personal decision.

Recently, I found myself in a conversation with a fellow mom. As is common among parents, we began discussing our kids. She mentioned her frustration with the constant questioning about when she would have another baby. I responded with a sympathetic sigh and my usual exasperated “ugh,” because truly, that question can be so loaded.

“I’m not sure if I want another—I’m already exhausted,” she confided. “People say I shouldn’t wait too long because of the age gap, but I think I’m okay with it. I just know I’m not ready right now. They tell me I’ll be too old soon.” Then, in a hushed tone, she added, “Honestly, I don’t even know if I can HAVE another.”

Fortunately, our chat was cut short, or I might have shared far more than I intended. I didn’t reveal my own experiences with similar inquiries.

I didn’t share that, unlike her, I desired my children to be closer in age. I didn’t mention that I had faced loss, and for a time, I was uncertain about my ability to conceive again. I didn’t tell her about the baby shower where someone asked when I would be having another child, just months after my own loss—when I should have been celebrating a baby that never arrived. I didn’t recount the painful moment when someone told me I was “running out of time” on my lost child’s due date or how I felt like I was failing my living child by not providing her with a sibling.

Instead, I simply told her it’s perfectly okay if she chooses to have only one child. I shared that my own kids are five years apart and how that age difference has been a blessing in many ways. I reassured her that whatever decision she makes will be the right one and that sometimes, we don’t have control over how our family dynamics unfold.

I emphasized that she would know when the time is right, whether to remain with one child or expand her family. And I reminded her that the opinions of others should not dictate her choices, nor should they reflect her worth as a mother or a woman. Whether she has one child, none, or several, she is deserving of respect and validation.

Questions about a woman’s fertility are deeply personal and should be approached with caution. They can evoke feelings of inadequacy and judgment, making women feel as though they aren’t meeting some arbitrary standard of motherhood.

So, I urge you: please keep these questions to yourself. The journey of motherhood is often more complex than it appears.

For more insights on this topic, check out this other blog post, which dives deeper into related experiences. If you’re considering expanding your family, Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit can be a great resource. Additionally, for information on IVF and fertility preservation, this podcast from the Cleveland Clinic is highly informative.

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In summary, it’s essential to respect personal choices surrounding motherhood and recognize that every woman’s journey is unique. Avoiding intrusive questions can help create a more supportive environment for all mothers.

Keyphrase: questions about having more kids

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