Lessons Learned from My COVID-Era Divorce

On February 14, 2021, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, my husband and I took our young children to a playground and enjoyed takeout from our favorite restaurant. To anyone watching on social media, it seemed like a perfect day. But when our kids were napping, my husband pulled me aside and revealed that he had filed for divorce. He had hired an attorney, paid a deposit for a rental home, and set a move-in date for the next month. It was clear he had rehearsed his words, trying his best to communicate what was undoubtedly a difficult message. By that point, we were both emotionally drained—I don’t even think he remembered what day it was.

The pain I felt was overwhelming. In the span of a year, I had been pregnant, given birth to our second daughter, managed a demanding job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all during a pandemic. It was a hellish experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Although I felt blindsided and betrayed, the announcement wasn’t entirely unexpected. I had been hinting at a separation for over a year, even using the term “divorce” frequently. My anger had reached a boiling point, fueled by a mix of postpartum emotions, pandemic anxiety, the challenges of raising two young children, work stress, and the isolation from stay-at-home orders.

The complexities of our relationship were exacerbated by external factors—our well-meaning in-laws, the social climate surrounding Black Lives Matter, and differing political views. I often questioned whether the marriage was simply not meant to be, a realization that became clearer through these experiences. I felt a surge of anger towards him long before his announcement, and sometimes I even joked about whether he would be worth more dead than alive—though I truly wished him no harm.

In the midst of my turmoil, I sought out resources to navigate divorce, primarily concerned about our children and how to minimize the impact on them. There was a competitive part of me that wanted to “win” the divorce, as if it were a contest. With so much information available—often dramatized by Hollywood and shaped by targeted online ads—it was easy to spiral into negativity, especially during COVID.

Gradually, I expanded my search beyond online forums. I dove into books, attended free webinars on divorce from county resources, listened to podcasts, consulted a therapist, participated in Zoom therapy groups, reached out to other divorced individuals, and leaned on supportive friends and family. As I began this journey, I shifted my focus inward. I realized that it didn’t matter what my husband did or how wrong I felt he was. I could only control my own actions and reactions.

It became clear that my decision to stay or leave the marriage needed to stem from a genuine place of self-awareness. When I initially pushed for a separation, my emotions were clouded by anger. I saw similar patterns in others going through divorce, where blame was often placed on mental health labels rather than personal accountability. Eventually, I decided that I wasn’t ready for divorce; I needed to focus on self-improvement within the marriage. Ironically, the final decision was thrust upon me on a day meant for love, which may ultimately become a profound act of self-love.

Letting go meant accepting responsibility for my actions, grieving the loss of my expectations for the marriage, and moving forward for the sake of myself and my children. It didn’t matter if I was 5% or 95% at fault; we all experience loss in some form. I recognized several areas where I needed to grow:

I failed to establish and communicate clear emotional boundaries, leading to frustration when they were violated.
I allowed anxiety about the future to distract me from being present and reflecting on the past.
My competitiveness turned into avoidance and resentment rather than fostering closeness.
I believed I could change my partner—an ego-driven misconception that clouded my judgment.
I prioritized winning arguments over nurturing the marriage.
I deflected my insecurities through anger and blame.
I struggled to communicate my vulnerabilities effectively.
I mistakenly thought that trying harder would bring us together instead of recognizing when to step back.

Now that I see these patterns, I cannot ignore them. I must work on these behaviors, not just for myself but for my children as well. It’s a journey I wish I could share with my spouse, but I accept that I must pursue this path independently, supported by a community that emerged during this tumultuous time.

While I have much to be grateful for and recognize my privilege as an independent soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments of vulnerability, I aim to embrace living fully—leaning into honesty, kindness, and vulnerability. I strive for self-actualization, showing compassion to myself as I do for others, while also learning to let go.

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Summary:

The author reflects on their experience of navigating a divorce during the COVID-19 pandemic, detailing the emotional turmoil and lessons learned along the way. The narrative highlights the importance of self-awareness, accountability, and personal growth in the face of adversity. Through various resources and community support, the author ultimately chooses to focus on self-improvement rather than competition, embracing vulnerability and compassion as they move forward.

Keyphrase: divorce during COVID
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