A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine, Sarah. We’ve known each other for a couple of years. When we first met, she was in a relationship with my partner’s close friend. We hit it off right away, making plans for the four of us to hang out together.
At our initial gathering during my second date with my current boyfriend, Sarah was more reserved compared to her boyfriend, who was quite lively. He enjoyed his drinks, while she preferred to keep it light, yet they appeared content. I found out they had been living together for a few years. He was eager to tie the knot and start a family, but after her divorce at 30, she felt uncertain about marriage.
As time passed, we built a strong bond of trust. However, one night, I reached out to her with a concern about my relationship, knowing she had known my boyfriend longer than I had.
“I have a question for you. Woman to woman. Just between us?” I texted.
“Of course!” she replied.
After a lengthy chat that night, I felt reassured, and it became clear that she was a reliable confidante. Before long, she began sharing her own struggles about her relationship—her boyfriend’s drinking, financial issues, and a lack of intimacy.
“I love him,” she confided.
When I asked if her love was enough to keep her in the relationship, it took her a few months to come to the realization that it wasn’t, and they ultimately parted ways.
This wasn’t the first time I’d had such a conversation with another woman. The reason I felt comfortable asking her about love being enough was that I had been asked the same question several times myself.
During my divorce from my ex-husband, we loved each other, but that affection couldn’t hold our marriage together. Then there was my high school friend, who endured physical abuse from her boyfriend. Despite his aggression and insults, she would change the locks to let him back in. “I love him,” she would say whenever I questioned her tolerance for such behavior. Note: Love is never a justification for staying in an abusive relationship—you deserve to leave those behind.
This dynamic isn’t limited to romantic entanglements. A few years ago, I found myself struggling with a friendship. A mutual friend pointed out that it seemed I had outgrown the relationship and asked why I hadn’t moved on.
“I enjoy her company sometimes,” I replied.
“But is that really enough? It sounds like she’s draining you emotionally,” she responded.
In any kind of relationship—be it with a partner, friend, or family member—there are times when you can genuinely love someone yet still need to walk away. Love alone doesn’t always suffice.
If you find that the negative outweighs the positive and feel like a shell of yourself due to the relationship, that’s a valid reason to exit. Loving someone while also feeling like they’re poisoning your life—impacting your work, relationships, and sleep—demands serious reflection on what your life could look like without that emotional baggage.
In my case, my ex and I cherished each other, but our love didn’t foster a healthy marriage. I valued my friend, but she disrespected me and took advantage of my kindness. Sarah loved her boyfriend, yet she recognized that he wouldn’t change his habits despite numerous discussions about their future.
Some people claim, “If you love each other enough, you can overcome anything.” I respectfully disagree. Love cannot sustain a relationship that diminishes your well-being. The only form of love strong enough to weather any storm is the love you cultivate for yourself.
Too often, we forget to prioritize self-love, allowing our affection for others to overshadow our own needs. It’s okay to love someone and yet decide not to have them in your life anymore. The narrative that we must endure for love to prevail has run its course. Choosing to love yourself over anyone else is perfectly acceptable.
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In summary, sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s crucial to recognize when a connection becomes detrimental to your well-being and to prioritize your own emotional health above all else.
Keyphrase: Leaving toxic relationships
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