My closest friend insists that I have the capacity for kindness. He claims I always lent a helping hand to those who sought it. Sure, there were instances of compassion during my college years, but I was also the quintessential mean girl. I wasn’t just part of the crowd; I was the Queen Bee, orchestrating cruelty and publicly humiliating others for my amusement. I made it a point to provoke laughter at the expense of my peers.
And I regret it all.
While I could extend kindness, I was equally capable of being a ruthless bully, armed with friends and wit to support my behavior. I still remember when the college prom queen publicly mocked someone by asking if he had picked up his accent at the duty-free shop in Heathrow. I could feel the shame wash over him. My husband once remarked, “He probably still thinks about that at night.” And he was right. Sure, it was funny, but it came at the cost of someone’s dignity, someone who was already grappling with personal challenges.
My Need for Attention
I craved attention and validation. One surefire way to achieve that was by targeting easy victims. One of the easiest targets was a former beauty queen who had turned into a promiscuous party girl. Her escapades became the talk of the campus, and I eagerly contributed to the rumors, gloating about her misfortunes. Did you hear about her wild night on the couch? I’d say, relishing the attention. What she truly needed was support, not ridicule. I could have stepped in to help her, but instead, I chose to elevate myself by tearing her down.
“You went after anyone you thought might overshadow you,” my best friend commented. This included a guy in a bunny suit (just roll with it) and “Punk Rock Joe,” who had a massive crush on me. I’d dramatically hide under my bed when I heard him approaching, simply because it got laughs.
The Illusion of Popularity
But the laughter was never directed at me. I transformed from a high school outsider to the archetype of the mean girl. Yet, deep down, I was still wrestling with insecurities. Targeting others provided a protective shield against being bullied myself. If I could make fun of the beauty queen, I could divert attention from my own less-than-stellar choices. I could mock Punk Rock Joe while secretly harboring feelings for him.
When I relentlessly teased a kid who pretended to be a vampire, it kept the spotlight off my own questionable behavior. I was able to get away with a lot because I made others the butt of my jokes. And they feared becoming my next victim.
A Moment of Regret
One incident that haunts me involved a young gay freshman who ventured into our dorm on the first night of school. We had a reputation for being inclusive, and he came hoping to make friends. However, he made a grave error by bragging about “Charleston money.” I grew up around wealth, and instead of being kind, I led the charge in humiliating him, encouraging him to dig a deeper hole while we older students snickered. It took him an hour to realize he was being played, and by the end, he left, never to return.
I could have befriended him. I could have pulled him aside and offered genuine advice. Instead, I opted for cheap laughs, driven by my own insecurities. I could have extended kindness to the beauty queen or Punk Rock Joe. Instead, I chose to indulge my self-loathing at the expense of others. My psychological struggles at the time don’t justify the pain I inflicted. I cannot fathom the depth of the hurt I may have caused. Perhaps a careless remark I made still stings for someone today.
To those who crossed paths with me in college, I have grown and I am truly sorry. This apology may not mean much now, but I offer it sincerely. I may not recall the good times we shared, but I vividly remember my cruelty. For that, I am deeply remorseful.
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Summary:
In a candid reflection, the author admits to being a mean girl in college, driven by a desire for attention. Despite moments of kindness, she often targeted vulnerable peers for amusement, leading to deep regrets. By sharing her experiences, she seeks to acknowledge her past behavior and offer a sincere apology to those she hurt.
Keyphrase: college mean girl reflections
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