The first time I was intimate with my partner, he didn’t finish. I later discovered that this was a recurring issue for him—throughout much of his sexual history, he could achieve an erection but would often lose it midway. As our relationship deepened, our intimacy improved, yet it never quite matched my expectations. Even in our early days, as carefree newlyweds without children, our sexual encounters were less frequent than I desired. There were still instances when he couldn’t finish, attributing it to dehydration, alcohol, work stress, or even my satisfaction.
After having children, our intimacy dwindled even further. He seldom initiated sex, and when I did, it was hit or miss whether he would be receptive. The right conditions had to be in place—he needed to be well-rested, not overindulged, and free from distractions. I convinced myself he simply had a low libido and accepted whatever intimacy I could get.
Over the years, I discovered his porn use on a few occasions. He was remarkably skilled at keeping it hidden. Yet, there remained a persistent unease in our sexual life that I couldn’t pinpoint. One day, while joking about a popular TV show, I casually asked him how often he masturbated. His discomfort was palpable as he revealed he did so 4-5 times a week. I was taken aback and wondered how he had the energy for that but none for us.
During a deep dive into relationship issues online, I stumbled upon articles discussing porn addiction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction. In that moment, it all clicked into place for me. I shared my findings, and to my surprise, he admitted he had long suspected he was addicted to porn, using it as a coping mechanism. He expressed a desire to quit, not just for himself but for us.
Understanding the depth of his struggle filled me with a mix of fear, betrayal, and tentative hope. Initially, after quitting, he felt emotionally vacant and uninterested in sex—a common reaction. However, as time passed, he physically transformed. He became harder and reached climax more easily, expressing a newfound interest in intimacy. I told him how different he seemed since quitting, which I believe brought him both relief and pain as he recognized the toll porn had taken on our relationship and his past ones.
Months later, during a fight, he lost his erection again. I sensed it was related to his porn habits. When I confronted him, he defensively mentioned work pressures and insisted that if he needed to use porn as an outlet, he would. At that moment, I questioned whether I could remain in our marriage. His promise to quit felt broken, and I felt the weight of needing to act a certain way to avoid triggering his urges. I became obsessive, monitoring his behavior, checking his phone whenever I could guess his passcode, and even eavesdropping outside the bathroom.
Eventually, we began to reconnect. Our intimacy appeared to improve, but a year later, we faced our most significant argument yet. We felt like two distant, emotionless beings simply coexisting. After a few weeks of reconciling, sex became strained again. One night, after he couldn’t finish, I broke down. He confessed he had returned to porn during our conflict and was remorseful, wanting to be closer.
I made it clear that I couldn’t stay in the marriage if he continued using porn. It felt like betrayal, as if he were investing his sexual energy elsewhere in secret. While some couples might find porn beneficial, in our case, it seemed toxic. He promised to quit for good, and that was over a year ago. Since then, we’ve only discussed it once. On a night when he couldn’t finish, I panicked, fearing he had relapsed. He assured me he hadn’t, but the truth remains elusive. Porn is a lurking threat, easily accessible and difficult to avoid, like trying to quit smoking with a pack of cigarettes nearby.
Sex with him continues to feel fraught. Every time he shows even a hint of softness, my anxiety spikes. We still don’t have sex as often as I would like, and I never initiate it. When he watches movies with explicit content before wanting to be intimate, I feel a sense of disgust. I attempt to convince myself that it’s a good sign he’s directing his sexual energy toward me instead of indulging in secret.
At times, I wish I had acted on my instincts earlier or held out for a partner who could meet my needs without the complications of addiction. I grieve the potential for a healthy sexual relationship that was lost due to his porn use. Ultimately, I’ve reached a place of cautious acceptance. I had to mourn the marriage I envisioned, work through feelings of denial and anger, and confront my own sadness. I fluctuate between these emotional stages and likely will continue to do so.
I recognize that his porn use is part of our marital narrative. It’s not my fault, nor can I control it, just as I couldn’t prevent other potential struggles he might face. I am not condemning porn or masturbation; I’ve had relationships where both were healthy. However, my husband’s relationship with porn started at a young age as a means of escaping childhood trauma, shrouded in secrecy and shame. Over time, his need for it escalated. While it served to arouse him, it also became a coping mechanism.
I once told him to imagine if I had been secretly mismanaging our finances, taking away resources that rightfully belonged to our relationship. Even if he hadn’t discovered it, would it still be harmful? This analogy helped him understand the betrayal and the draining nature of secrets. Although his porn use wasn’t about me, it still impacted me, and it felt like he was faced with a choice: me or the porn.
Ultimately, I feel I have three options: leave him and disrupt our family, stay with him while grappling with constant suspicion, or choose to trust him and move forward together. I opted for the latter, and for now, it feels like the best path.
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In summary, navigating the challenges of porn-induced erectile dysfunction and the emotional turmoil it brings can be complex. This journey involves understanding, communication, and a commitment to rebuilding trust and intimacy.
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