I never thought I would find myself in this position. When I first cradled my little girl and gazed into her bright blue eyes, my heart overflowed with love and aspirations. I envisioned her giggling, twirling in dance recitals, and daydreamed about the wedding dress she might choose in the future. The thought of all the special mother-daughter moments we would share filled me with excitement. Though I know we will still create cherished memories, I never anticipated that three years later, we would face multiple daycare expulsions, social isolation from friends and family, and an overwhelming sense of financial and emotional exhaustion.
A few months have passed since we received the autism and ADHD diagnoses. Reflecting on this challenging journey, I’ve identified five emotional stages parents often experience when confronted with this “A” word diagnosis.
1. Denial
The first stage is classic denial, a common response to life-altering news. As I began to recognize my daughter’s differences, I found myself questioning and making excuses. She was merely tired. Or hangry. Perhaps it had been a long day. I even defended her to myself, recalling how she walked at 10 months, spoke in full sentences before turning 2, and often made eye contact. How could she possibly have autism, ADHD, or sensory processing disorder (SPD)? Surely, the doctors were mistaken. I told myself that the problem lay with them, not with my child, who looked perfectly “normal.”
2. Disbelief
Next came disbelief, distinct from denial. This phase was fueled by research and a desperate search for alternatives. I found myself attributing her behaviors to environmental factors—food, allergies, vaccines, zodiac signs, or even the weather. This brief stage transitioned into self-blame, where I convinced myself that our parenting choices had caused these conditions. I racked my brain for obscure reasons, convincing myself that this couldn’t be our reality. Friends and family reminded me that every child has tantrums and off days, but I began to see that not all children experience daily meltdowns.
3. Dissecting
After this, we enter the dissecting phase, analyzing our child’s symptoms and behaviors in search of alternative explanations. The internet became my armchair doctor, leading me down a rabbit hole of research. I wondered if my daughter, being a girl, could just be a spirited child, perhaps suffering from an undiscovered illness that was mistaken for autism. I replayed doctor visits in my mind, questioning everything. The doctor noted her inconsistent eye contact, but I reasoned that many adults avoid eye contact. Besides, she spoke! How could she have ADHD if she slept soundly at night? This phase of dissection can drag on until we exhaust all avenues of inquiry.
4. Acceptance
Eventually, we confront the reality that our child does indeed have a disorder, leading to acceptance. Following some harsh comments from a character performer at my daughter’s birthday party and a few more daycare expulsions, I realized I couldn’t fight every complaint about my child. Acceptance means advocating for her—seeking evaluations from specialists, enrolling her in therapy, and exploring educational plans like an IEP or 504 plan. This journey often entails significant time and financial investment, from requesting FMLA to endless therapy sessions, all while juggling a glass of wine and researching the complexities of medical marijuana for children.
As we become advocates, we begin to see our child as an individual with unique needs, rather than the child we initially envisioned. Instead of focusing on cleaning their room or excelling in sports, we recognize they may need help with transitions, calming down, or staying focused. We learn that breaks are essential—both for them and for ourselves. This shift leads to the final stage: loneliness.
5. Loneliness
It’s a sobering realization that our conversations revolve around therapies, research, and our child’s development to the point where others may tune us out. Friends and family who once shared joyful moments with us may drift away, possibly feeling uncomfortable or unsure how to support us. Some may even suggest we’re overreacting or mislabeling our children, further isolating us. We may find ourselves distancing from those whose reactions are toxic, leading to a sense of solitude. Thankfully, social media can be a lifeline, connecting us to support groups of other parents navigating similar journeys.
Navigating a diagnosis for your child is undeniably difficult and can lead to feelings of despair regarding societal perceptions. The harsh comments from both friends and strangers often sting the most. If you don’t have a special needs child, understand that we are working through our emotional responses to our children’s diagnoses. We genuinely seek to raise kind individuals. Your support, kindness, and efforts to teach your children about acceptance and inclusion can make a world of difference.
In conclusion, the journey through the stages of accepting an autism or ADHD diagnosis is fraught with challenges, but it can also lead to profound insights and connections. Embracing these differences in our children allows us to foster a more inclusive and understanding community. For helpful resources, check out this site on pregnancy and home insemination, or explore fertility boosters for men as well as boost fertility supplements.
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