A few evenings ago, my partner wanted to grab some ice cream. I’ve come to realize that when this happens, I need to prepare myself. He really enjoys the experience and seems to believe that smacking his lips while eating makes it taste even better. Honestly, it drives me up the wall.
He can fall asleep in mere seconds, even when we’re not on the best of terms and I’m still grappling with my feelings. Once, he started snoring on the couch while I was mid-argument, and I “accidentally” shoved a chair into the island while making my way to the kitchen, still wanting to express my thoughts.
He loves discussing fitness and healthy eating, but his actual commitment doesn’t match the enthusiasm he shows during Peloton commercials. He has no qualms about backing out of plans when he changes his mind, without feeling the need to explain himself.
He snores and refuses to blow his nose, preferring to snarf and swallow instead. He’s very particular about his food choices, yet could happily eat chicken tenders and subs indefinitely. If something is too exotic or new, there’s little chance I can persuade him to give it a try.
He can act as if nothing is wrong after a disagreement. Countless times, he’s walked in or called me while I’m still simmering with anger, cheerfully asking, “Hi love! How was your day? I miss you!” The audacity!
He often forgets things and while he enjoys treating me to dinner and opening the car door, he tends to relax while I scurry around trying to manage everything else, from shoveling snow to changing light bulbs. I feel a constant urgency, as if if I don’t handle things immediately, chaos will ensue. To him, most things can wait.
It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not (okay, maybe a little about the lip-smacking). What I’ve realized since falling in love with him is that the traits that used to irritate me about my ex-husband are surfacing again. Why? Because these are my unresolved issues, my pet peeves that I haven’t fully addressed.
I’ve come to understand that my need to stick to my word, even when I’m barely holding it together, doesn’t mean my partner has to do the same. He doesn’t, and that’s okay. I’ve recognized that I tend to treat everything as urgent. This can be stressful for my family, who may prefer to take a moment to unwind before tackling chores.
Forgetting something isn’t a crime. I’m a single mother and the sole adult in the house, but even during my marriage, I felt the pressure to remember everything. I’ve learned that life goes on even if something slips through the cracks.
No previous partner has complained about the sounds I make after sipping soda, my obsessive cleaning habits, or my daily morning workouts to Taylor Swift. Yet, I’ve projected my stress onto them, making me feel like I could bang my head against the wall.
This isn’t a new revelation; I’ve heard about how when we’re hard on ourselves, we tend to be hard on others. However, after my divorce and entering a new relationship while introducing my children to this man, I was determined not to repeat past mistakes. This required some deep introspection and acknowledgment that I needed to improve.
Ironically, my ex-husband was the one who highlighted this for me. One day, while I was dropping off the kids at his place, he stopped by my car with bags of groceries. He and his girlfriend were planning to make sushi, and I couldn’t resist mentioning that he never cooked during our marriage and always resisted going to the store. His reply was, “I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with you.” I realized he was referring to far more than just meal prep.
We both let trivial matters affect our marriage. While we can’t go back and redo our history, we can strive to avoid repeating the same errors in our new relationships. Our partners will inevitably have quirks that bother us, but when similar issues keep reappearing, it’s essential to reflect on ourselves and address our own contributions to these patterns.
And as far as I’m concerned, I’ll always be allowed to ask someone to quiet down while they chew.
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In summary, the qualities in my new partner that remind me of my ex-husband highlight my unresolved issues and the need for personal growth. While it’s easy to point fingers, understanding and addressing my own behaviors is crucial for a healthier relationship.
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