It’s a scenario I often encounter—my two children glued to their screens in the minutes leading up to school, desperately trying to squeeze in a few moments of YouTube before being forced into the day’s responsibilities. Neither has made their bed, neither has packed their backpacks, and my daughter’s hair resembles a tangled mess. It’s frustrating.
I’m irritated not just because their iPad fixation delays our morning routine, but also because my daughter seems completely indifferent to her hair. She managed to get dressed and brush her teeth, so why skip the hair brushing?
Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember sneaking into my mom’s room after school to play with her makeup. With just a compact, some blush, and blue eyeshadow, I would happily apply it and admire myself in the mirror. As soon as I was old enough, I bought my own makeup and styling tools, ensuring I was always “put together.” For too long, I was consumed with how others perceived me.
Fast forward to today, and I have a daughter who couldn’t care less about her appearance. She shows no interest in makeup or hairstyling, and I genuinely admire her for it. I support her choices in clothing, footwear, and accessories, encouraging her to express herself freely. I wholeheartedly believe in her bodily autonomy and that she should make her own choices about her appearance without feeling pressured by me.
Yet, here she is, sitting with a hairdo that looks like it belongs in a horror movie, and I can’t just ignore it. Why has she refused to brush her hair day after day until it’s become a formidable nest? I find it perplexing. When her hair reaches this level of chaos, I know detangling it will be a long and potentially painful task. I have to intervene, even as I strive to respect her autonomy.
Despite my best efforts to encourage her to brush her hair each morning—through gentle reminders, an array of special brushes, and even playful nagging—her indifference persists. The tangled mess continues to grow, and my desire to respect her autonomy often takes a backseat when I confront the reality of those knots.
The truth is, the state of her hair drives me up the wall, yet I feel guilty about my reaction. I worry that if I press too hard, I might damage her self-esteem or undermine her ability to confidently be herself. As she approaches her teenage years—when self-consciousness tends to bloom—I question whether I want to instill anxiety about her appearance. I don’t want to inadvertently mimic my own teenage struggles in her.
At the same time, I believe she should take basic care of herself—wear clean clothes, brush her teeth, and yes, brush her hair! Is it really so wrong to nudge her toward these simple acts of self-care? Perhaps a little coaxing isn’t a threat to her autonomy after all.
Walking this fine line feels challenging, and I’m not certain I’ve achieved the right balance. What may bother me more than her choice about her hair is her apparent apathy. She’s not opting for a messy style; she’s simply cutting corners to grab a few extra minutes with her iPad, and that frustrates me. I wish she would care enough to make a conscious decision because I am certain that if she did, she wouldn’t choose a tangled mess.
Realistically, I may never find that perfect balance. I’ll likely always be that nagging voice in her head, the one she rolls her eyes at. But I hope to also be the voice that encourages her to embrace her authentic self and celebrate the uniqueness that makes her who she is.
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In summary, balancing the ideals of bodily autonomy with the need for basic self-care is a challenge many parents face. While it’s essential to support children’s ability to be themselves, it’s also crucial to guide them towards taking care of their personal hygiene and appearance. Striking this balance is an ongoing journey, but nurturing their self-confidence and autonomy remains a top priority.
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