Like many immigrants seeking a better life, my father had aspirations for our family that stemmed from his own challenging upbringing. Born in Greece during the late 1920s, he faced poverty, hunger, and conflict before arriving in America. However, once he achieved his version of the American dream, he often felt discontented with us, believing that we were spoiled and unappreciative because we hadn’t endured the struggles he faced.
Throughout my childhood, my father was preoccupied with eliciting genuine gratitude from his children. Like countless parents, he worked tirelessly yet felt that we didn’t recognize or value his sacrifices. He frequently sought expressions of gratitude, particularly during holidays, his birthday, and when bills were due.
When I observe parents today stressing over seemingly ungrateful kids, I wish to share the reasons why this expectation is unrealistic. Emotions, much like love or anger, cannot be coerced. Gratitude is a complex feeling that arises from within, often as a response to external influences. Pressuring a child to express gratitude sends a problematic message: that we can control how others feel rather than allowing them to express what is genuine. What should a parent do when their child doesn’t readily express appreciation? Sadly, children may respond with insincerity, which is detrimental for both parties.
Providing basic necessities—food, shelter, healthcare—is the fundamental role of a parent. Expecting a child to thank you for fulfilling these responsibilities undermines the relationship. I changed my son’s diapers and cared for him because I chose to, and I wouldn’t want his gratitude; it diminishes my role as his parent.
For much of their early lives, children do not have the freedom to make significant choices. Parents determine where kids live, what schools they attend, the clothes they wear, and even the food they eat. How can one feel genuine gratitude for a life largely shaped by others?
Young children lack a comprehensive understanding of the world because they haven’t yet had the opportunity to experience life away from home. They are primarily aware of their own environment and whatever knowledge their parents or educators provide. True gratitude also requires an awareness that life’s blessings can vanish unexpectedly, a concept that young children are not yet capable of grasping.
In my own upbringing, I attended a high school with over 1200 students but fewer than ten black students, and I didn’t meet a Jewish person until I was 21. My parents believed that the world was dangerous for women and girls, leading them to keep me in a predominantly white town, where they viewed cultural differences with suspicion rather than curiosity. This lack of exposure to diversity and alternative lifestyles meant that I didn’t fully understand the significance of social issues until much later in life.
No parent wishes to raise entitled or unempathetic children. The fear of this outcome, combined with unrealistic expectations, often drives parents to seek recognition from their kids. Despite my father’s attempts to prevent my sister and me from becoming spoiled, he overlooked the importance of exposing us to diverse experiences and perspectives that foster genuine gratitude.
The most beneficial approach for parents is to release any expectations for gratitude and instead focus on creating opportunities for experiences and conversations that cultivate appreciation and empathy over time. Parenting comes with no guarantees, including receiving a heartfelt “thank you.”
For more on nurturing emotional intelligence and appreciation in children, check out our related post on adolescent behavior or explore fertility resources at Make a Mom. For further insights into family planning, this Wikipedia page on in vitro fertilisation is an excellent resource.
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In summary, young children are not capable of sincere gratitude due to their limited life experiences and understanding of the world. As parents, it’s important to recognize that gratitude cannot be forced and to foster an environment where appreciation can develop naturally over time.
Keyphrase: Understanding child gratitude
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