“Come on, say you’re sorry, sweetheart!”
This phrase echoes through countless public spaces, and I admit, I’ve said it more times than I can count. Often, I’ve uttered it in the heat of the moment to avoid looking like I’m neglecting my toddler’s less-than-ideal behavior. I’ve done it to signal to bystanders that I’m a responsible parent who acknowledges that my 3-year-old just bonked theirs with a toy. I’ve even called for an apology after my child let out an exaggerated fart, giggling uncontrollably on the floor afterward. But deep down, I always knew my toddler wasn’t genuinely remorseful for what they had just done—not even a tiny bit.
Toddlers exist in a constant state of chaos, and they certainly have a lot of reasons to apologize. They might whack another child with a toy simply for being nearby, strip off their clothes during story time to enjoy the fresh air on their bare skin, or snatch toys from others while grinning at their tears. They might even decide that flushing their shoes down the toilet is a good idea or sprint away from me in a store like it’s a game.
Occasionally, you can coax a toddler into mimicking the word “sorry,” but don’t be fooled—they’re just trying to dodge consequences or avoid the dreaded nap time. They wanted that toy, felt the thrill of being naked in a crowded room, or thought scaring you was hilarious. The idea of empathy is completely lost on them; they would repeat their actions without a second thought if they thought they could get away with it.
Toddlers are unapologetic little beings, completely unconcerned with the feelings of others. They might feign remorse, patting a friend they’ve just knocked down, but it’s all for show. They’re egocentric creatures in a world where they are the main characters, and you’re merely an obstacle in their quest for unrestrained fun—whether that means smearing peanut butter on the couch or living life without pants.
They lack the understanding that saying “sorry” should come with genuine regret, remorse, or an acknowledgment of their poor choices. In fact, they probably only grasp the concept of regret when they’re caught in the act. Perhaps every toddler should don a shirt emblazoned with “No Regrets” because that’s how they approach life, one tantrum at a time.
After raising two toddlers, I’ve learned that the most effective way to deal with their mischief is to apologize on their behalf and move forward. “I’m really sorry that happened! It’s not kind to hit friends. I hope you’re alright!” I truly feel sorry when my child hurts another, snatches a toy, or disrupts story time with their antics.
I focus on modeling empathetic behavior, hoping they’ll eventually grasp that yanking someone’s hair just because it looks nice isn’t appropriate. I firmly believe this approach is much more beneficial than forcing them to utter words they don’t understand, which only escalates the situation and creates discomfort for everyone involved, especially the child who got hurt.
To other parents, I often say, “I’m sorry, he’s just being a bit of a handful right now. We’re working on it.” This honesty usually earns me a nod of understanding from fellow parents.
And yes, they will grow into compassionate individuals who care about others. I promise.
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Summary
Forcing toddlers to apologize is often ineffective, as they lack the understanding and genuine remorse behind the action. Instead of pressuring them to say “sorry,” it’s more productive to model empathetic behavior and acknowledge the situations on their behalf. This approach not only fosters better understanding in the long run but also eases social interactions among parents.