Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Compliments have always made me uneasy. I can’t pinpoint why—perhaps it’s something for my therapist to explore—but a recent compliment caught me off guard. Four simple words shook my world. Why? Because they were false and misleading. They simply weren’t true.
So, what was this unsettling compliment? A friend I hadn’t seen in months exclaimed, “Wow! You look amazing.” That’s it. Game over. Checkmate.
You might think that’s trivial or harmless. But knowing this person, I understood their implication: I looked good physically. However, since March, I’ve lost weight, and being praised for my appearance troubled me deeply—because I am not healthy.
I’m not okay.
My weight loss has stemmed from anger, depression, and overwhelming grief. My mother passed away in June in a shocking manner. In July, I revealed to my husband that I am gay. Like many others, the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental well-being. I’ve felt hopeless and trapped. My habits have changed significantly; old thoughts and eating patterns have resurfaced.
A long-buried eating disorder is back.
My day begins with black iced coffee, followed by 20 ounces of water to suppress my appetite. I meticulously count the hours between meals, as well as my caloric intake. I practice intermittent fasting, where I limit my eating to specific times. I choose low or no-fat foods and measure every bite. Ten pretzels. Five strawberries. Three olives. Half a cup of yogurt. If I eat breakfast, I skip lunch. Dinner is often left unfinished. My exercise routine is relentless; I obsessively log over 50 miles a week.
While I tell myself this is for mental health (which it somewhat is), it’s also rooted in my obsession with weight. I’m fixated on the size of my stomach and thighs. My life is dictated by my desire to be thin.
I have squandered years chasing “perfection.”
There’s a name for what I’m experiencing—Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). This mental health condition involves obsessive, negative thoughts about one’s appearance, often focusing on perceived flaws. As therapist Sarah Mitchell explains, “BDD is a body image disorder that disrupts daily life due to persistent self-critical thoughts.”
My daily routine revolves around workouts and food. I’ve missed out on significant family moments while prioritizing exercise. Before the pandemic, I would dodge social events centered around food. Fatigue often overwhelms me, leaving me too drained to engage with life. I obsessively scrutinize nutrition labels and push through pain because my thinking is not only distorted but addictive. I crave the feeling of control that comes from my disordered habits.
I’m not alone in this struggle. Mitchell notes that addictive behaviors often accompany disordered eating. “People can become addicted to food, exercise, or even the absence of food,” she explains. “When these behaviors disrupt daily life, they become problematic.”
So, what can be done? If these behaviors persist, reaching out for help is crucial. Friends, family, or mental health professionals can provide accountability. This is the advice I need to heed because, on the surface, no one realizes I’m struggling—not my husband, best friend, or even my therapist. I’ve kept my battles hidden—until now. It’s time to take charge of my life. I deserve to be happy and healthy.
If you or someone you know is facing challenges with eating disorders or disordered behaviors, consider connecting with resources like the National Eating Disorder Association.
For further insights, check out this blog post about the importance of mental well-being related to home insemination.
Search Queries:
- How to recognize unhealthy weight loss
- Signs of body dysmorphic disorder
- Coping with grief and weight changes
- The impact of stress on eating habits
- Resources for disordered eating support
In summary, while weight loss can often be perceived as a positive change, it can also mask deeper issues related to mental health, such as body dysmorphic disorder and unhealthy eating patterns. Understanding and addressing these underlying concerns is crucial to achieving true health and well-being.
Keyphrase: Weight Loss and Mental Health
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