Living with three teenagers who have opted for complete online learning this year means we’re technically together all the time, especially since I work from home. However, it often feels like we’re worlds apart. Just today, as I write this at 11 a.m., I’ve only seen my oldest son for a fleeting five minutes while he grabbed breakfast. My daughter is at her desk, fixated on her math teacher’s face on the screen, and my youngest is MIA—though I can hear some noises from his room, so I assume he’s okay.
Initially, I felt heartbroken as they retreated to their rooms, barely acknowledging me when they returned home from school. Their brief snacks would be accompanied by a few shrugs while I tried to engage them about their day, and they would often stay hidden away until I summoned them for dinner. I even resorted to knocking on their doors and offering bribes like ice cream to coax them out. I felt isolated, wondering what went wrong. Just yesterday, I had three vibrant kids eager to chat about a fun trip to Starbucks or Target, and now they seemed to want nothing to do with me and preferred the confines of their rooms.
As parents, we often long for peace and quiet when our children are younger, only to feel lost when we actually get it. Talking with other parents, I’ve learned that this behavior isn’t personal. Teenagers are in a phase where they focus on themselves, their friends (even if it’s virtually), and their identity outside of their parents.
Is it normal? Yes. Is it tough? Absolutely.
One crucial lesson I’ve learned with my three teens—who are close in age but each handle things differently—is that it’s perfectly fine to give them space. If they’re holed up in their rooms, it’s likely because they need that time alone. I’m not suggesting you completely ignore them; checking in, asking questions, and showing that you care is essential. Even if they don’t respond, they hear you.
It’s vital to understand that whether they’re grappling with something or simply enjoying solitude, it’s okay to let them work things out independently. Your concern is natural, but trying to fix their moods every few minutes won’t bring back the chatty kids they once were.
My youngest, now 14, has turned his room into his sanctuary, complete with special lighting, a mini fridge, and even some plants and queen ants he’s caring for. When my older kids were his age, I felt similar worries—what did it mean that they wanted to spend so much time alone? Was something wrong? Would they ever return to being the kids who loved to hang out with me?
I smothered them with my need for interaction, which didn’t help anyone. Eventually, I realized that simply allowing them the space they needed made a huge difference. My older kids, now 17 and 15, emerge from their rooms more often and engage with me—though they’ve changed from their younger selves, and that’s perfectly fine. They are becoming who they are meant to be.
As parents, we must accept that our teens crave solitude because it’s essential for them. They know they can join us at any time, whether it’s for a family movie night or just to hang out, but they don’t always want to. And that’s perfectly okay. Give them the space, and they’ll come around sooner than if you’re constantly hovering. I learned this the hard way, so you won’t have to.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that giving your teens the space they need is not only beneficial for them but also for your relationship. While it may feel uncomfortable at times, understanding that this phase is normal can help ease parental anxiety. Allow your teenagers to enjoy their solitude, and trust that they will seek your company when they’re ready.
Keyphrase: Giving teens space
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