Every time someone discovers that I have four children and that I homeschool them in both Mandarin and English, they often label me as “Super Mom” or seek my advice, as if having multiple kids somehow bestows extraordinary parenting skills. I usually try to clarify that I’m really not that great at it, but they often insist I’m just being humble.
Let me be clear: I’m not being humble. I wish I were. I genuinely wish I could downplay my parenting efforts, but the truth is, I’m quite average and subscribe to a philosophy of benign neglect when it comes to raising my kids. When I mention that I seldom interact with my children and prefer to spend my time lounging in bed, tapping away on my laptop while obsessing over K-pop, I’m being completely honest—even during this pandemic.
Before you jump to conclusions, I want to clarify that I don’t mean actual neglect—because that’s abuse. My kids are well-fed, clothed, and have a roof over their heads (though I might be stretching the truth on the hygiene part). Their education is somewhat lacking, but let’s be real: 2020 has left most children in the same boat. Thankfully, their father (my patient husband) shares the parenting duties, so there’s an adult present.
My oldest is nearly eleven, and my youngest just turned four, so I’ve definitely put in my time. I’ve breastfed, been pregnant for a decade, and even made my own organic baby food. I took my kids to parks daily and enrolled them in countless classes. That was primarily true for the first three, but it has only made my youngest child more resourceful. At just three-and-a-half, he learned to microwave his own frozen chicken nuggets—an impressive feat for a small human! (He even ate them frozen for a while until he figured out how to use a stool. Cue my proud tears!)
Isn’t the ultimate goal of parenting to raise independent human beings who can handle life on their own when they eventually leave the comfort of home? If necessity is the mother of invention, then my reluctance to do everything for my children is actually teaching them essential skills. You can’t change my mind on this.
Moreover, my kids are already a boon to their future partners and roommates. Even my seven-year-old knows how to do laundry, change sheets, put away groceries, wash dishes, take out the trash—and bring the bins back in, which is arguably the hardest task of all—along with sorting mail (which is definitely the hardest task). They can cook, too!
I’m thrilled to report that I haven’t cooked for them in months.
First off, they are not fans of my cooking, which is offensive given the little effort I put in. I actually can cook well, but why waste my talents on such ungrateful kids? My husband offers polite critiques like, “It’s okay.” Well, if all I get for my efforts is “it’s okay,” I’m going to let them buy their own microwavable burritos from Walmart.
Once I taught my older kids how to fry Spam, cook eggs, and prepare instant ramen, I knew they were ready for college. Toss in a vegetable for balance (but why?).
The only reason this works is that I’ve stocked our kitchen with easy-to-reach foods and utensils, plus I took the time to teach my kids how to prepare meals. I made sure they understood oven and stove safety, how to read directions, and that they had the confidence (and hunger) to cook for themselves. Now, when they make me food—regardless of how limited the menu is—it’s the most delicious meal ever because I didn’t have to make it!
It’s not flawless—there have been some minor burns and broken dishes. But I believe that pain is an excellent teacher. Sure, they might be missing some nutrients or have hollow bones, but that’s what multivitamins and essential oils are for. Isn’t science marvelous?
Now that my husband bought the kids a cheap phone from Amazon, I can text them—thereby achieving my dream of never having to leave my room or engage in face-to-face conversations again.
You might wonder, “How can I also raise independent yet slightly wild children?” Well, the secret to mastering this unconventional parenting style is to get comfortable with despair and defeat.
You have to accept that your kids will initially struggle with any life skills you try to teach them. Resist the urge to do it for them just because it’s easier. Think back to when you first taught your partner how to load the dishwasher the right way (your way). At some point, you must decide what’s more important: that the dishes get washed by someone other than you or that they’re washed to your standards. Both would be ideal, but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we?
I choose not to do it. Every. Single. Time.
As a bonus, my children are now all fantastic negotiators, and my oldest is skilled at managing both his peers and me. Whenever he has responsibilities, he either handles it himself, delegates, or reminds me that he needs my assistance. Half the time, I tell him he doesn’t have to do it because I don’t want to either—but then it becomes my fault, not his.
Isn’t that the reality for many office workers? And isn’t that what we ultimately want to nurture—average office workers?
Judge me if you want, but I’m one of the happier mothers I know—all because I prioritize myself. Some may call me selfish, but I see it as a gift.
If you’re interested in more insights, check out this post on home insemination to keep the conversation going.
Also, for authoritative advice on home insemination, visit Make a Mom. And for comprehensive resources on pregnancy, explore the CDC’s pregnancy page.
Summary:
This article discusses the author’s unconventional parenting style, which embraces benign neglect to foster independence in her four children. By allowing them the freedom to learn essential life skills, she believes she is raising capable and content individuals. The author openly shares her experiences, emphasizing that putting herself first has led to her happiness as a parent.
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