Updated: March 4, 2020
My daughter embodies what I refer to as an emotional martyr. She often prioritizes others’ feelings and desires over her own, seeking harmony at the expense of her own happiness. This isn’t a constant behavior, but it tends to surface during family decisions. For instance, if we’re choosing a restaurant and her preference is pasta while the rest of us lean towards wings, we might still end up at the Italian place.
However, her assertiveness seems to evaporate when it comes to her interactions with her older brother. He has ADHD, which leads to impulsive behavior and frequent reprimands. When we’re running late due to his distractions, or if he forgets his chores, my daughter often finds herself apologizing. She becomes anxious at the sound of my voice raised in frustration, and instead of standing her ground, she makes excuses for him or absorbs the blame. She might say we’re late because she was distracted or couldn’t find her shoes — even if that’s not the case.
On another occasion, after I praised both kids for their chores, I later discovered that my daughter had actually cleaned her brother’s messy room. She was afraid he would get in trouble for not doing it himself, so she stepped in to avoid any negative consequences for him. It became clear that she had taken on more than her fair share of the responsibilities, cleaning areas he was expected to handle himself. After a serious discussion with both children—encouraging my daughter to stop doing his work and reminding my son not to take advantage of her—I grounded him for a day and assigned him extra chores. Yet, my daughter still felt guilty for the situation.
This tendency to sacrifice her own desires extends beyond sibling dynamics. During family game nights, she often relinquishes her choice of games to avoid disagreement. Her stories from the playground reveal a similar pattern; she often backs down from her preferences to maintain peace within her friend group. I can see the tension in her shoulders and the worry in her eyes when conflicts arise. Her primary goal seems to be ensuring everyone else is happy, but this mindset raises concerns for me, especially when it leads to self-neglect.
I want to guide her away from this pattern of emotional self-sacrifice. In a society where women are still fighting for equality, it’s crucial for her to recognize the value of her own needs and desires. I want her to stand firm in her beliefs without feeling the need to apologize for having them.
To combat her instinctive need to take the blame, I actively encourage her to assert herself. I remind her that her feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. I’ve also introduced her to stories about strong women and attempted to model assertive behavior myself, despite my own struggles with conflict. I don’t want her to inherit my anxiety over confrontations.
I can see her beginning to absorb these lessons, displaying strength in small ways when she feels secure. As I strive to be more assertive myself, I hope that we can grow together in this journey.
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In summary, I’m determined to help my daughter embrace her own needs and desires, encouraging her to speak up and assert herself rather than becoming an emotional martyr. Together, we’ll learn to navigate these challenges.